its been two years i havent write anything on this blog. i guess its fair to recap what has been happening in those two years. physically, i didn't change as much. my hair is always messy as usual, i still enjoy cartoons, i haven't quit smoking and i still have a cat and i'm still as confused as two years before with life. the only thing thats different is that i tie my hair up rather than wearing a hat everywhere. mentally, somewhat in a good place. it's a long process, okay?
two years ago i was in a very bad place. i was lost and i had no one. i drowned myself to those fake highs in life, really, for nothing. i searched and searched and found myself at the end of a bottle or two. i was drowning. i felt my heart was coming out through my mouth and is as if that's not enough my brain was barely functioning. i was nothing. a vessel without a soul, without any purpose. i live just for the sake of not dying. funny enough, the only thing that humored me was death back then. but what can you do with a conscious so low? the only company that i enjoy was my demon and i was letting it win.
two year has passed, i started to find myself again, i found a purpose and glimpse of fresh air in this fucking polluted city. slowly but sure, i found my way back home. looking back, i could only laugh how things went the wrong way and i couldn't wish any other way now. all of those path of broken glass, bones, heart and leaving me with literally two brain-cells left... it led me to you. you, you big fart girl.
i'm writing this right now because i'm sitting down with my demon and i'm having my panic attack. but don't you worry, cause these things happen and i've come into terms with it (but really, you were sleeping and i cant wake you up). but just so you know, everytime i feel like this, i would always imagine you - my safe space to tell about pretty much everything.
you're like a
warm cozy bed in the winter after a long day
nice cup of tea in the morning and the noon
skin so warm for someone who has a cold resting bitch face
binge-worthy netflix series over blanket and tea
my smelly butt to my poopy pants
a friend, my rock, and sunshine in a very gloomy day.
and its been almost two years we've been together, we had our ups and downs. we had our fights, you were a bitch and i was too. but by the end of the day, we would be back to each other's arm (in my case, your smelly armpit that i don't mind at all, but nonetheless, smelly) at night. you'd be there at my lowest and i hope i'm doing the same too. we've been through a lot, we moved places here and there and finally set on our house. you made the impossible things happen. you're my better half, and my best friend one could ever ask. you're the warmest, kindest, full of anxiety, fun, and much more; oh so much more! funny how i still remember the first day we met, and my feelings haven't changed ever since. well, technically, it did. it increased day by day, even when we were at our worst.
till next time.
your friendly suicidal furball.
