bundle of rants from places i am too ashamed to tell where i found it

if tonight i die

will you still smile to me like yesterday?

if tonight i die

will you re-assure me you'll be okay?

if tonight i die

will you hold my hand until its time to let go?

if i die tonight

i wont ask much for today

i just want you to know, i will be okay.

---

i need you to tell me that i am good
this manipulative and destructive skin
but deep down inside i'm good
help me999999999

---

you look like someone who would ruin my life 
and run me over with a truck over and over again
but i'd be fine with it

also,

you look like someone who could love me
nonetheless i'm a mess
and be fine with it.

lets stay alive.

---

the night was livelier than usual

but why do i

feel alone

why do i

have to hold back

the tears

why do i

have no reason

to cry

its nice to have something

to motivates and keeping me alive

but

the urge kept getting stronger

im sorry

---

the joy of living

keeps decreasing

you could hear

death teasing

there are days that im fine

where i feel normal like others

but in an instant

i could feel the sun no longer shine

as i'm typing i feel my head pounding

the image of dying comes close

offering painless paradise

leaving all hell behind

i wish people would take me seriously

i am growing tired on this silent battle

i feel so little

maybe when i'm gone, you'll understand i'm troubled

---

(i cut the first half because.)

love is not an olympic, its not a race. there's a start but hopefully no end.

love is also not about winning.

love is what makes you feel you, they would accept the part where we would be in our worst condition.

the best of me is the worst of me and vice versa. 

we wouldn't be the same as we once met. 

comfort grew and loving new side will follow too. 

love is love.

you are the good in life

have you ever noticed that people loves you when you're dead
but treat you like you're dead when you're alive?

have you ever noticed that people are dying in front of others
but they would say "nobody would ever see this coming"?

being dismissed, telling that its just an overreaction
the voices aren't there,
you're making things up,
and for me, being dead is another temptation.

head pounding, chest beating is a sign of distraction.
being told i'm not living my life to their expectation
when i'm here barely holding on.
i didn't ask for this, i'm sorry.


but not you,
you were the good in life.

the fresh air in this polluted life
the only thing that made sense
you are the good in life.

the only thing i look forward to
even if for an hour or two
you are the good in life.

hugs to made to calm
kisses made to get me out from this realm.

you made everything s little bit better in my bitter life,
you were there by my side,
you hated seeing me cry because it makes you sad,
you'd kiss the pain away and hug me in my sleep.
we'd snuck out like how a teen would,
we'd go on joyrides and exchange kisses,
you'd mutter how much you love me
in my breakdowns while i'm trembling and covered in tears.
even until today, you'd hug me tighter than before.
we'd be in the dark and i wont be afraid,
cause i know, you're there to be my light.

you are the good
in my life.