the story about two wolves is that in the end, the one who wins is the one that kept being fed. the same thing that is happening in my head, its a constant battle between two thoughts that has a mind of its own and its up to me to feed it. twist is, i don't know which one is which. i fed them according to my needs, not knowing whats good and whats not. its funny to think of it, when its your own body, but you're feeding something else to be alive. i want both of them to die along with me, so not even me can hurt anyone else. everybody is happy, they wont miss me that much too i presume.
i wish i don't have to fight even inside my head for once, i wish i don't have to restrain myself to take pills or smoke an L just to make things better. i don't like being confronted, whether i'm right or wrong, i just hate the idea of being cornered, i wish people would understand that. to teach someone who doesn't understand emotion is not to shove them what emotions are, it would make them more confused than they already are. i wish i have a better solution, but i don't have any. all i know, it won't work for people like me.
i am mental and i'm accepting the fact that i am one. growing up in the mediocre and a bit confusing family that i have, i was told not to cry, crying is weak and it wont solve any problem. my head is much of a guy than it should've been. i won't blame them, but this is who i am now. i don't know how emotions work, i cannot work in an abstract sequential thinking style, i understand things that works systematically despite how i am such a mess. i keep telling everyone that my head is really crowded, my head is too loud but they would just tell me to shush them out, i wish it would be that easy. i wish its that easy that everyone in this world doesn't need pills to make them shut.
i constantly feel that bad things will happen, yes people will say "its all in your head." exactly why its terrifying, i'm dying inside my head. its terrifying that i can do such things and forget about it the minute after, i know its not me, i know when i leash out, its not me, its not my doing. people will think its all baloney and its all shit. at least, on this platform i can write anything without being told off that its not true. at least here, i know how i can have a grasp of how i feel.
to put it simple on whats going on in my head is like when you're talking on the phone yet your parents are talking to you also, its irritating. it makes me constantly mad. there are times it calms down, thats when i took the pills, when i used to smoke some doobs, and also being close with someone i love. it feels everything calmed down, the talking, shouting, ticks and bangs in my head it all disappeared. but i know i can't have that forever, so i have to live with this.
the irrational fear that haunts and taunts me is like when you feel like you're going to get robbed, but you know you locked the door and checked it for a thousand times, its that irrational. its like, when you don't put the right shoe on first, you'll trip and you'll break your leg, its that irrational. its like, you had a piece of candy and you fear that it'll stop your heart beat because of the sugar rush, its that irrational. even though it doesn't make sense, i still bite my lips, crossing my fingers and pray that it won't happen even though i know it won't. it consumes you alive.
i don't really know what i need right now. complete isolation? prescribed drugs? finding religion? i really don't know. the monster i kept inside is urging to come out when i kept them there for a reason. for this not to happen. i guess i'm not made for human interaction, i'm not made for emotions, i wasn't supposed to be here in the first place, its all a mistake. but i can't lie, i wished now, is to be able to fit in and to be cured from anything thats consuming me right now for good. i just want to be able to feel, to be able to cry for an hour, a shoulder to borrow, even just for an hour.
No comments:
Post a Comment