i was born in a really dysfunctional family, run by pride, powered by shame for parting. since i was really young, both were never there and i grew up without any role models to look up to. one slumbers in the morning, and one was absent due to work. i grew up just because i was born. they have been preaching about love but never actually set an example for me, for their only child.
i grew up not in their loving hands but instead inside this empty room.
i grew up not with sing alongs but instead mockery and cries every night.
i grew up not with family vacations but instead kidnapping and abduction.
i grew up not with them but only by myself and any maid at the moment.
growing up, i just know that i have to call them mom and dad, but i didn't know what it meant. i used to have sleep overs at my cousin's house. i saw them every night sitting in their dining room to eat and have a family time. subconsciously, i was jealous because i could never have that. so there i was, growing up as a stray child who happens to have a home.
i would often have a fight with them, cursing them to die since they do nothing but a burden. i'm not even sorry for saying so. i've lost count on how many times i wished for them to die or i how i never see them as my parents since they were never from me. i've ran away so many times just to hear the same lies; we're sorry.
they would at times forget about my birthday and i grew up to accept that fact. also, they would fight because of me, for being the failure i am. the neglected child who they're ashamed for having is now depressed and been repressing since they wouldn't believe me for being so. they would see me as this thing and my surroundings caused me this. it was mainly because of them.
"its your fault now your kid is like this!"
"this kid is troubled, can't you see?"
"now what can we do with this mess?"
those are the words they would throw. they didn't realise they were screaming and i'm just a room away.
a certain point i ran away from all of this and did drugs, both chemical and organic. i took pills and smoked in my room to ease the pain and forget about everything. those were the things that calmed me. inanimate objects wins against the living and who gave birth. i have no friends and my lover is away. now i'm alone again in this room.
yes, it hurts.
at times it stings to hear those words.
why wouldn't you accept the mess you bring and be responsible?
why wouldn't you stop and listen how i'm turning insane?
why wouldn't you want me?
why wouldn't anyone wants me and put me as a trophy for once?
why wouldn't you want the unwanted?
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