something stupid.

i've been fuzzing about the smallest things these past few days, over the stupidest things, like today. i thought i was over with anything thats been piling up. after the old piles has been lifted, new things are piling up and yet, i still don't know how to get it out. everyone is busy with their own things and i guess i have to keep this by myself - i did it once, doing it again wouldn't hurt. for these past few weeks a lot has happened, i cried, opened up to people, they told me that its okay to feel and pointing out whats wrong. figuring out about emotions and feelings, those abstract things i failed to understand. i'm still with my baby steps of learning all of this, it might take awhile. i wish it was as easy like how they easily say it. i still catch myself all tied up in the throat talking about stuff. its like, it just don't want to come out, it rather stay in, it rather not cause any scene, obscure from anything out there. again, its consuming me. what makes it different, this time is slower than before, i can feel it creeping and consuming me alive while i'm here, standing and cannot do anything. the medicines are working fine, i'm calmer and much more in control. but medicines are medicines, they're chemical built to fix the things i'm lacking of inside, it doesn't fix me as a person.

i wish i was okay, i want a day, an hour, a minute, to feel fine, to be normal! i want my head to be quite and have whatever i have to myself while it last. we can't have all what we want in life can we? again, i managed to just write it down somewhere. here, or my notes or anywhere really. the walls near my bed isn't safe anymore since i'm starting to write there and bet you people wont be happy seeing those writings. right now, i don't actually know whats my purpose of writing this. its not that when i write this people will get it and be nicer - they won't. i'm writing this just to feel better, to put my jumbled thoughts into one page, to make sense. i'm writing this so i know, i'm not insane yet and i still can feel.

all and all, even though i didn't manage to talk about everything trough with anyone, i learned to channel anything thats not good with exercising. lifting dumbbells, a few punches and i'm good to go. though, i'm not quite sure how long it will last. overall, i'm way better than before, but still not quite there yet. i'm trying to, not for me, but for those who wants me to. though, yesterday i got pretty bummed out and i don't think that it would effect me for days, but hey i'll survive. after all, a kid would just get over it in a couple of days, knowing he can't get what he wants. they're right, i'm still a kid inside.


goodnight.