.

you know, i prayed today,

i was mad.
i said to whoever was out there, that they're pulling a sick joke on me.
they were the ones who gave me you, they're also the one taking you away.

i was mad,
because for once i cared about my future and how terrified i was.
how incompetent i'll be, how i wont live up to any expectations.

i was mad,
because now, i'm shouting like how the storms are rolling at the empty ceiling.
because i can't be with who i want to be.

i was mad,
because i have a will to live and that scares me.
thinking what will happen if one day its gone?

i was mad,
because i am me, a sick bastard who doesn't deserve love.
yet i fell really hard this time.

i was mad,
because i know once your name came out from my lips,
they'll take you away.

i was mad,
because i did anyways in the end, because i don't know who to seek
so i did it anyways.

i was mad,
because i prayed again, seeking for help, reaching out again.
hoping, maybe, it'll be different than any other prayers because her name was in it.

i was mad,
because i'm right, praying your name, chanting them most of the nights,
they know, and they'll take you away in the most sick way possible.

i am mad,
because in the end, i can't make you happy and i know i have to pack and leave.
thinking its the best possible way to see you have a bright future without me.

i am mad,
because i'm too in love to function,
and realising i'll be a burden for her.

i am mad,
why did you have to love me back?
it hurts to do this.

--

i am close to giving up, i guess i am that coward after all.
it will be painful to do so, pushing people away.
pushing your loved ones; pushing you.

i am sorry, if you ever read this,
it'll be a countdown from now.
it keeps calling me.

i am sorry, i cant tell you.
it'll be to much of a hassle.
cause i know you'll fight back.

i am sorry, i couldn't keep you.
i don't want you to suffer.
i can't control it.

i am sorry, if i yelled.
i know you don't like it.
but its a step for you to have a future.

i am sorry, i'm distancing myself.
it hurts seeing you being cute.
i can't stop myself if i proceed.

i am sorry, i kept my mouth shut.
i want you to hate me.
its hard not to say your name every night.

i am sorry.