one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.