phone notes, left forgotten needs their shine

relevance

do i believe in love?

i did.

"did?" you asked?

yes.

like a flower once bloomed

it has now withered

unbothered

dead

if love supposed to be eternal

its pretty easy to replace

it seemed magical

but it left without a trace

love is replaceable,

or at least thats what i know

love is temporary,

or at least thats what i saw

i believed in love

i don’t think i’ll believe in it

once more.

///

is there anything thats right

when theres nothing left?

what about the feelings thats died

and left to be forgotten?

is there anything to look up

when i’m down here?

what about the promises that made

and left to be broken?

is there someone else

when i’m here all by myself self?

will i find my happiness

even here in this darkness?

is there any way to be okay

even after i throw everything away?

the path that i chose is the path i want

alone and content - well maybe not today.

but amidst all chaos,

and the order i disturbed.

i can clearly see myself

and for the last time,

i’ll save myself once more.

you pay doctors to tell you your worst nightmare and still be okay with it

confused, dazed, and a palm of self hate
neat splinters and long sleeves, so people wont have to squint.

my wrist itches, every now and then,
but then again, isn't it only myself to blame?

hey look, its the frankenstein! their eyes trying to say
but i guess they're right, or its an understatement
for them, its just jokes for days,
for me, its the price it gotta pay.

this slab of meat has nothing on its feet
all is numb, what is bitter sweet?
its time to go before death comes to greet
maybe by then i'll be something who doesn't wilt.

a reminder for myself about loving and keeping my head low

as you have splinters on your fingers because of paper cuts
not because of trying to hurt yourself
you know she is the one

as you cry the night of feeling lonely
not because of the heartache
you know she is the one

as you sing and a face shows every rhythm hits
not just an earworm that bugs you
you know she is the one

as you are al night writing for one soul only
not for essays or paperwork
you know she is the one

as you are going places and it felt nostalgic
not because the place is nice
you know she is the one

as you are driving and missing someone to talk to
not just hearing people talk over the radio
you know she is the one

as you know you're alive
not wandering around
you know she is the life

things will get hard,
and i know you wrote on your whiteboard
a little reminder for yourself that this will all be payed
with the countless laughter and the night you'll end your day with

things will get hard,
and you'll feel you've been pushed over you limit
but know now, you are capable of doing things you never imagined doing
all the impossibilities you know are just another task you knew

things will get hard,
and you'll feel its the end of everything you know
but i'm reminding you it will be harder living life without the person
who thought you how yo be alive

i am here to remind you
to be grateful,
to be thankful,
to be enough,
to be tough.

things will get hard,
and i am here once more to remind you,
everything will pay off once you see her in person
all your efforts will soon be payed with a simple smile from her.

one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.

 

crumpled wet piece of paper

everything is greyer. even if its sunny.
everything is louder. even when its quite.
everything is slow. even when you're running.
everything is heavy. even without any clothes on.
everything is a mess. even you cleaned everything.

i feel suffocated. but there's too much space.
i feel tired. but i've been in bed all day.
i feel sad. but everyone is so happy.

but thats not the problem.
nobody notice anything.

whatever happened to those people who said "silent screams screams the loudest"

everyone is deaf and i'm starting to lose my voice

i guess none of us will know what the future hold for tomorrow

if i give you my freedom
will you hold it
is as if its your world?

if i give you my everything
out from nothing
will you see it as whole?

if i do the impossible
against the odds
will you still see me as a human?

if i took an arrow to the knee
will you pick me up
and walk by my side?

if i give you two keys
with you knowing fully what lies
which will you open for me?

if i give you all the things
that you never seen before

will you still seek what you lost?

dear anyone who reads this,
this is another of your daily dose of nonsense. i promise- no, i'll try not to be this sappy later on. cause i can't promise you anything. i tried not to, but the more i tried
the more tissues, pieces of papers, sometimes even my hand is filled with my writings.
i guess its the distance, the things that happened, or maybe its just me being me, need somewhere to rant.
either way, i am sorry.

dear you,
i am writing this out of the blue, amidst people shouting and screaming.
at times, i continue when i'm in a moving car.
it has been bothering me for awhile, and i cant seem to spit it out.
a lot has happened and i guess a lot will happen more.
i hope you'll stay.

but in the end, i would want you to know

you are my every reason the things i do and i want to do

i guess i already said you this, but i will say this again:

you are both my salvation and my destruction at the same time. i am certain that in the end i'll be breathing or dead because of you.








and that is exactly what i want you to do to me.

a few hundred micrograms

i want you to put me on your tongue 

and i will dissolve and you will taste the stars in your mouth

i want you to touch my skin; feel my flesh 

and trace every parts till you find my long lost soul

i want you to be disorientated with everything

and having trouble figuring out whether to kiss me or admire me

tell me your favourite colours and i'll be as lovely as a lavender dress 

as it spun under the beaming sun

tell me what you fear, what you are terrified of
and i'll show you the devil inside me will protect you

tell me everything that you want to be 

and we'll be everything above anything

i want the time to stop ticking 

because a minute are a bunch of shy sixty and it moves pretty swiftly

i want to stop and see how the moon moved to your eyes reversedly

yet it still glows when you are standing amidst sea of people

i want to show you the unknown so you know how far

this feeling pushed to the other side

i want you to know that what i intended to kill
actually kills me without me knowing

pieces of my writings that i randomly found, awhile ago.

a bond made by clouds of cigarettes' smoke

burnt cigarettes, laughter after hours
who would've known, in this life of ours
we would meet in the most ungodly hours
laughing and having the most twisted humours

deep secrets, buried down under
making every people wonder
when we just smirk and get it over
and clink while we laugh a little harder

heart ache, souls that breaks
hurting for other people's sake
giving everything there is to take
knowing for sure nothing is fake

a bond, red strings tied
leaving behind anything who lied
walking side by side looking souls equally tired
sipping coffees till none of us gets exhausted

for a friend, not a slab of meat
let us rule till the world be at our feet
till our bodies beat
and till the death comes to greet

they say i should be thankful, and so i will be.

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you finally found sanctuary and knowing nothing will hurt you?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you stop worrying about what will come after this very moment?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you get dressed up in fancy clothes and sleeping in a comfy bed?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you easily stop thinking what you don't need to think about?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you close your eyes and not fearing what will grab you in the dark?

and, when you're dead,
do you forget about everything when you were still breathing?

well, i guess i am pretty much alive  then.

sribbles on a piece of tissue