the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

i guess this is goodbye.

hi, or goodbye from the title.

a little bit of myself, i was diagnosed with bipolar. the medicines are still on trial, well everything is. its gotten worse since day one as it consumed almost everything from my life. i decided to stop writing here since staring at a blank computer page isn't good for my eyes - or maybe not as often. hey, who knows? i made myself a journal to keep track of everything from the beginning till the end. i honestly don't know how to handle myself and each night waking up is just waking up from another nightmare to another nightmare.

waking up realising i can continue to an eternal sleep haunts me every time i opened my eyes. i swear to anyone who is up there, i want everything back. but no matter how loud i shout, racing with the thunders, they kept their mouth shut. i guess, i am not worthy to look. i'm trying my best to be on my medication but it just doesn't help. at times, i can walk freely but instantly fall down to the thought of how long this'll last. being happy is not my forte. writing, scribbles on notes is.

notes, yes. its a very poorly made since i don't have any and i just gotta wing it with whats there. to anyone who reads this, a little bit of my soul is there. a bit of the infamous misadventure of myself is there. i am not the type who cares to leave marks here, but its there for anyone to find, if in the end i lost myself. but i'm trying with my might for the better. progressing and fighting is what i do best. picking fights with the universe is my hobby. and here i am standing saying to you "come at me".


a good day and a goodbye from me.

christmas night wasn't that merry for me

" you will have everything you desire but it will have a price."

a soul? life?

"no, regret."

i'm making a deal with you, his representative and you're talking to me. if i give up something, i receive something. i know how this works.

"go on. i know yours wont be selfish."

by now you should know, no souls matters to trade.

"behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine: the soul who sins shall die."

i am never alive, you want something else. it is never easy talking to you.


"you're a smart one, i'm trading for regrets. for what awaits you then, you already know."


the future is never sure, for now leave me alone.


"are you sure?"


i am. go on, be gone. before that, i never catch your name. i couldn't care less how you find me.


"people who reads knows me as memphistopheles."


i have a feeling i'd meet you soon, after i talked to them.
but thank you, maybe next time i'll serve beside you again.
 

and by that, i was alone again. christmas did took an unexpected turn for me.

dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.