a tiny fragment from a big universe.

i've had a long conversation with myself, i think thats what made me occupied when i'm alone. maybe thats what triggered me to write again, i need to rant. besides, i made this blog for that purpose. i need to rant.

we all have our demons inside of us, mine would be voices that won't stop talking. the doubts, the paranoia came from that voice. for the longest time i ignored it. i kept it away in a small box inside of me, locked so no one could ever find it.

it worked.
for awhile.

the more i kept it deep down inside, the more louder it became. the voice breaks trough that tiny box. all it wanted was something simple, it needs to be heard. it needs to be acknowledge. but i'm too much of a coward that i'm afraid if i open that box, the demon will jump out and eat me alive. so i denied it, over and over again. i put it inside another box so the chances of it coming out are slimmer.

it went silent.
for awhile

it started to bang even more louder than before, and by that time i'm terrified so i put it inside another box hoping that it'll stop. this time, i put chains and more locks. i wrapped it in a hurry because i'm too afraid to touch the box. maybe this time it'll stop.

it was peaceful.
for awhile

i start to grow weary of it, i start to blame the box for everything i do. its not me! its the box.
time goes by and at first i glanced at it when it made a sound. i proceed to come closer, each week getting closer and closer. finally, i sat right next to it. the closest i've been with the box for awhile.

as days, months, years went by i start to undo all the chains and locks, i put aside all the wrappers, i took it out from the boxes i've thrown it in. i see the last box that i had to open. i waited for more to know what i'm doing is right.

as i opened the box in fear, to my surprise, i saw myself crawling out from the box. it became bigger and quickly grown to my size. i saw myself, in the way i hated. but the longer i stare, the longer i know that its me. i know that is myself i shunned for years.

we stood face to face for quite sometime, we stood there in silence.
i was trembling in fear but i still stood there. i looked at the demon's face and just know, it wants to be heard, it wants to be acknowledge.

and so i did.
by the time i'm wrote this, i'm not fully in terms with my demon, but i know that its there, and it lives within me since the very beginning of my time here. i'm learning to coexist with it as i am a human with flaws. maybe one day, we'll become one without any of us trying to hurt each other.

enough is enough.

-----------------



i question myself a lot
be it about life, love, or maybe why the sky is blue
but today, i asked myself
whats my purpose in life before i bid adieu

i don't have a past to be proud of
nor a shiny trophy or anything you can name
do i hate myself for it? maybe i do
maybe this whole time i'm the one to blame

but today, i surrender,
in the mighty arms of the universe
to take me wherever she grants
for i am small and insignificant in her eyes

i want to put all of my worries and doubts
all the painful past
all the clouded thoughts
all of my being.

for i am yours, universe,
i am sorry i have wandered too far
i want to come home
and be with you, once and for all.

phone notes, left forgotten needs their shine

relevance

do i believe in love?

i did.

"did?" you asked?

yes.

like a flower once bloomed

it has now withered

unbothered

dead

if love supposed to be eternal

its pretty easy to replace

it seemed magical

but it left without a trace

love is replaceable,

or at least thats what i know

love is temporary,

or at least thats what i saw

i believed in love

i don’t think i’ll believe in it

once more.

///

is there anything thats right

when theres nothing left?

what about the feelings thats died

and left to be forgotten?

is there anything to look up

when i’m down here?

what about the promises that made

and left to be broken?

is there someone else

when i’m here all by myself self?

will i find my happiness

even here in this darkness?

is there any way to be okay

even after i throw everything away?

the path that i chose is the path i want

alone and content - well maybe not today.

but amidst all chaos,

and the order i disturbed.

i can clearly see myself

and for the last time,

i’ll save myself once more.

the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

001

i feel every depression that people feel in a big gigantic wave that strums my being. its odd to say it like that, but i'm writing for myself not for anyone else. these past few months i went through ups and downs. pills were chugged and drug was a paradise i made in my own head. i thought to myself, if i could keep my head numb i wouldn't hear the frightening sounds again - even for an hour. i wouldn't hear girls screaming or heavy breathing. i wont feel their anxiousness with their feet tapping when i'm all alone in the darkness.

my life these past months - no, my head this past months has been so crowded. it has never been this crowded before. i said to myself, repeating the same phrase over and over again to assure myself that this will stop, the voices will go away and soon the misery will end. i assure myself when i'm alone, when i'm going to sleep, when i walk, every where and every minute. its a constant battle between my own voice with anything that occupies my head.

constant fear that i'm afraid i'll ended up not knowing which one is my voice and which on is not. its like a parasite that consumes my brain implanting wrong memories and believing it was true. believing that its my own pain when its not. i was locked down in my own mind, boxed and cornered inside a tiny cell with the voices as the warden and i'm there being the prisoner. dying seems better than the option to stay inside that box.

the cell? imagine a tiny room where it only fit a bed and a toilet beside your bed. when you wake up, what you see is your cell and darkness. the walls are infested with mold and some scratches left abandoned when i decided to give up counting how long i was there. it was too real for something inside my head. it has become my second home when i'm alone. at times you can hear screams from the ends of the hall. if i'm lucky enough, it will be quite and you'll only feel suffocated because of how humid the place is.

the line between whats real and whats not has began to merge into one. to an extreme point, i really need people to snap me out - just by calling my name. break me from the thoughts and voices in my head. i'm close to giving up and surrender to the voices in my head and ready to be locked down deep down alone with those voices. i wish i ended my life when i had the chance but it'll cost burden to my family.

its so hard dealing with this, its affecting what i do in daily life. i have became very aggressive and slowly losing control of everything. touching whats real feels fake and touching the fake seems real. crying is now a lullaby for me to sleep and punching walls is my replacement for screaming. pills and spliffs could numb it, but those things don't come cheap. i am in need of help. i don't know how, but i know i need it.

i guess this is goodbye.

hi, or goodbye from the title.

a little bit of myself, i was diagnosed with bipolar. the medicines are still on trial, well everything is. its gotten worse since day one as it consumed almost everything from my life. i decided to stop writing here since staring at a blank computer page isn't good for my eyes - or maybe not as often. hey, who knows? i made myself a journal to keep track of everything from the beginning till the end. i honestly don't know how to handle myself and each night waking up is just waking up from another nightmare to another nightmare.

waking up realising i can continue to an eternal sleep haunts me every time i opened my eyes. i swear to anyone who is up there, i want everything back. but no matter how loud i shout, racing with the thunders, they kept their mouth shut. i guess, i am not worthy to look. i'm trying my best to be on my medication but it just doesn't help. at times, i can walk freely but instantly fall down to the thought of how long this'll last. being happy is not my forte. writing, scribbles on notes is.

notes, yes. its a very poorly made since i don't have any and i just gotta wing it with whats there. to anyone who reads this, a little bit of my soul is there. a bit of the infamous misadventure of myself is there. i am not the type who cares to leave marks here, but its there for anyone to find, if in the end i lost myself. but i'm trying with my might for the better. progressing and fighting is what i do best. picking fights with the universe is my hobby. and here i am standing saying to you "come at me".


a good day and a goodbye from me.

wanting the unwanted

i was born in a really dysfunctional family, run by pride, powered by shame for parting. since i was really young, both were never there and i grew up without any role models to look up to. one slumbers in the morning, and one was absent due to work. i grew up just because i was born. they have been preaching about love but never actually set an example for me, for their only child.

i grew up not in their loving hands but instead inside this empty room.
i grew up not with sing alongs but instead mockery and cries every night.
i grew up not with family vacations but instead kidnapping and abduction.
i grew up not with them but only by myself and any maid at the moment.

growing up, i just know that i have to call them mom and dad, but i didn't know what it meant. i used to have sleep overs at my cousin's house. i saw them every night sitting in their dining room to eat and have a family time. subconsciously, i was jealous because i could never have that. so there i was, growing up as a stray child who happens to have a home.

i would often have a fight with them, cursing them to die since they do nothing but a burden. i'm not even sorry for saying so. i've lost count on how many times i wished for them to die or i how i never see them as my parents since they were never from me. i've ran away so many times just to hear the same lies; we're sorry.

they would at times forget about my birthday and i grew up to accept that fact. also, they would fight because of me, for being the failure i am. the neglected child who they're ashamed for having is now depressed and been repressing since they wouldn't believe me for being so. they would see me as this thing and my surroundings caused me this. it was mainly because of them.

"its your fault now your kid is like this!"
"this kid is troubled, can't you see?"
"now what can we do with this mess?"
those are the words they would throw. they didn't realise they were screaming and i'm just a room away.

a certain point i ran away from all of this and did drugs, both chemical and organic. i took pills and smoked in my room to ease the pain and forget about everything. those were the things that calmed me. inanimate objects wins against the living and who gave birth. i have no friends and my lover is away. now i'm alone again in this room.

yes, it hurts.
at times it stings to hear those words.
why wouldn't you accept the mess you bring and be responsible?
why wouldn't you stop and listen how i'm turning insane?
why wouldn't you want me?
why wouldn't anyone wants me and put me as a trophy for once?

why wouldn't you want the unwanted?

you pay doctors to tell you your worst nightmare and still be okay with it

confused, dazed, and a palm of self hate
neat splinters and long sleeves, so people wont have to squint.

my wrist itches, every now and then,
but then again, isn't it only myself to blame?

hey look, its the frankenstein! their eyes trying to say
but i guess they're right, or its an understatement
for them, its just jokes for days,
for me, its the price it gotta pay.

this slab of meat has nothing on its feet
all is numb, what is bitter sweet?
its time to go before death comes to greet
maybe by then i'll be something who doesn't wilt.

it was sugar and spice, but not everything was nice

he was 13 at the time
he wanted a playstation
so he wont feel that lonely

he was 14 at the time
he wanted new shoes
so he could run faster

he was 15 at the time
he wanted a new shirt
so people know its his day

he was 16 at the time
he wished to be happy
so he knows how to be grateful

he was 17 at the time
he wished for time of his own
so he knows he is loved

he was 18 at the time
he wished for hard liquor
so he can forget that day

he was 19 at the time
he wished to be remembered
so he knows that he's alive

he was 20 at the time
he wished to be okay
since none of he wanted ever came true

he is 21 today
he didn't wish anything
because he know it was just another day

happy birthday.

dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.

 

crumpled wet piece of paper

everything is greyer. even if its sunny.
everything is louder. even when its quite.
everything is slow. even when you're running.
everything is heavy. even without any clothes on.
everything is a mess. even you cleaned everything.

i feel suffocated. but there's too much space.
i feel tired. but i've been in bed all day.
i feel sad. but everyone is so happy.

but thats not the problem.
nobody notice anything.

whatever happened to those people who said "silent screams screams the loudest"

everyone is deaf and i'm starting to lose my voice

i guess none of us will know what the future hold for tomorrow

if i give you my freedom
will you hold it
is as if its your world?

if i give you my everything
out from nothing
will you see it as whole?

if i do the impossible
against the odds
will you still see me as a human?

if i took an arrow to the knee
will you pick me up
and walk by my side?

if i give you two keys
with you knowing fully what lies
which will you open for me?

if i give you all the things
that you never seen before

will you still seek what you lost?

dear anyone who reads this,
this is another of your daily dose of nonsense. i promise- no, i'll try not to be this sappy later on. cause i can't promise you anything. i tried not to, but the more i tried
the more tissues, pieces of papers, sometimes even my hand is filled with my writings.
i guess its the distance, the things that happened, or maybe its just me being me, need somewhere to rant.
either way, i am sorry.

dear you,
i am writing this out of the blue, amidst people shouting and screaming.
at times, i continue when i'm in a moving car.
it has been bothering me for awhile, and i cant seem to spit it out.
a lot has happened and i guess a lot will happen more.
i hope you'll stay.

but in the end, i would want you to know

you are my every reason the things i do and i want to do

i guess i already said you this, but i will say this again:

you are both my salvation and my destruction at the same time. i am certain that in the end i'll be breathing or dead because of you.








and that is exactly what i want you to do to me.

all warriors knows memento mori, but i didn't get the memo

did i mention to you, i have a habit where i like to write on tissue paper? well, this is one of them. i wrote this a while ago when i was still in between the line of being alive and dying. i had this constant nightmare where when i wake up, it would just be darkness. as time went by, i gave in, accepting fate for what might happen.

all people has their future, of course, including me. difference is, mine is already written. i envy those people who has full powers of what they have. now, moving on. i have been telling you i have roamed in this purgatory for quite awhile, no? i lived a long life, but, alas, in a short time. if one day, if  i am here, beside you and the next day i'm nowhere to be found. don't panic, its as simple as i went home first before any of you did.

the other side of the moon isn't so dark for you

for all that has happened in this past few years, i never could actually recall what has happened. it's like, i've been in auto-pilot mode for most of the times. oh indeed, its frustrating. so most of the time i cry myself to sleep, or at times, i would just exhaust myself in hopes that i might wake up in an asylum for my daily medication. now, don't worry, i am not sad, i am just -- overwhelmed. if these wall can talk, i'd bet they'd be screaming at me asking for me to apologise for all the blood stains from time to time.

as i continue being a parasite in this world, i noticed that not only the sturdy wall began to crack, also my consciousness. it crumbles every time the doubt comes knocking in. the line between reality and fantasies began to fade. spazzing, morphing, shaking, disorientated. the showering questions about what is real and what is not keeps on repeating, it kept going on, like a broken radio searching for tune. these hands are busy covering my head while it was already covered with splinters. every now and then i can hear the muffled screams from the insides that will ache any soul who ever dares to listen to it.

little by little, i stopped myself from growing, cut all the things i loved, stoop to the lowest level. i became someone who i never knew before. at first, i thought, i was alive. succumbing into any substances, to any person i came across with. but just with a blink of an eye, everything falls into tiny little pieces in front of my eye. i am back to square one where i am lost, i am just another cog in the machine just to blend in and interact with these people who doesn't know anything.

time passed, i was wandering aimlessly and for the love of god, and the cruelty of the universe's joke, i stumbled upon her. which till this day, i can't put my fingers whether i found her, or the other way around. like a black sand magnet, i was drowning to her force. this time, i wasn't even trying to escape. i wasn't struggling. for once, i let the world took control over this slab of meat. not knowing or fearing whatever lies next.

first, i noticed that she was covered nice clothes, showered with affections everywhere and here i am, standing, covered with scars and there is nothing beautiful about. i tried my best to keep it hidden from the outside world, from her, in hopes that only me and god knows such things exists here, in my body. besides, nobody wants a wreck, right? everyone has their own mess to deal with. hence, i never show anything to anyone; especially to her.

as we let time freely roams, i sank and float. till i began to drown deeper. automatically, i tried my best to hid every scar that i have, in hopes she'll see me as a person, a functioning human being. not as a monstrous being who walks in daylight and lurks in the dark. it went well for quite sometime. but, cursed my mouth, it wont stop spilling the horrid truth of my being. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it all started when i was with her. embracing each other's heat and she accidentally touched my scars. before i could jerk away from her, she managed to slid the shirt i wore of off me. and there i was, i stood in front of her; bare, nothing to hide and was vulnerable. she starts to trace from the most visible ones till the ones you have to squint your eyes.i held my breathe hoping for the worst to come. but instead, she starts to kiss and telling me it was nothing.

night after i was in my room, i couldn't stop thinking what happened the other day. i needed somewhere to rant, so i did. it came into my surprise that my phone dinged, notifying that i have received a new message. it caught me off guard, the whole conversation break down my walls and me being on my knees. after awhile for being dead, i learned how to breath. i was no longer a monster. i was a human and i felt alive.

---------


"are you okay? i saw your post earlier, i'm mildly concerned."

"i am ok. i was just thinking what happened, what you saw."

"if kissing your scars and telling you you're beautiful aren't convincing enough for you, then tell me how"

"thank you, though."

"why should you be thanking me when i do things that make myself happy? i like you that much..

..it goes without saying i accept you and your scares. literal and metaphorical scars."

and by that, she was one of the rare kind ones to see me as whole.

a bond made by clouds of cigarettes' smoke

burnt cigarettes, laughter after hours
who would've known, in this life of ours
we would meet in the most ungodly hours
laughing and having the most twisted humours

deep secrets, buried down under
making every people wonder
when we just smirk and get it over
and clink while we laugh a little harder

heart ache, souls that breaks
hurting for other people's sake
giving everything there is to take
knowing for sure nothing is fake

a bond, red strings tied
leaving behind anything who lied
walking side by side looking souls equally tired
sipping coffees till none of us gets exhausted

for a friend, not a slab of meat
let us rule till the world be at our feet
till our bodies beat
and till the death comes to greet

a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.

take a peek through the cracks of my walls to see what lies inside

"you know, i don't know what's worst. you crying alone or you're making his death as an excuse."

i hear a familiar voice echoes as i am washing my face.

"i know you, you can't lie. i've been watching you crying these past few nights. i didn't expect this night would be bloody."

i didn't even bother, i dried my face and looked for aspirins and first aid kit.

"it's inside the cupboard, you always put it there. incase something happens; something like this."

there was a long pause, none of us move from where we are.

"i'm guessing this will be a long night, huh? this will be fun." 

i stood there, looking sharply at the mirror.

"you should stop, you know? i'm just stating the obvious here. i don't want you to die"

i would shout, but i don't want to wake the neighbours.

i heard chuckles.

"aren't you tired? look at you, every night. you're a mess, scattered, train-wreck. heck! a wreck."

i clenched my fist, struggling in control.

"you were happy, you were--"

the voice stopped only for the sound of shattered mirror fills the room.
i cant control my tears from falling, let alone the blood dripping from my wrist and my fist.

i left the bathroom and immediately look for the aspirins.
i took the aspirin and closed my eyes.

both are to be swallowed and leave a bad taste in my mouth.


i guess i should've listen to myself more.

for a place so ugly, you made it lovely

the fact that earth is just another purgatory has never been the main reason for me not to like this place. it's just another reason for me to put on the list. earth and i was never in the same box to begin with, and for the longest time i can remember, i really want to leave this place. i love the idea of escaping this realm. truth is, i'm still here. throughout the year, my misfitted soul surely got the hang of it. but, a misfit will always be a misfit.

i was stuck in that idea, until of course, i met a girl.
before i continue, you probably should've guessed from the title above, yes? it is about a girl. now there, please don't get me wrong about this. i have met a lot of girls; tons of them if you want me to accumulate their weight. some as friends, some were my significant other, some were just never had a good ending. heck, some even ended up as empty hook-ups.

moving on, just like any other blog i've ever stumbled upon, they would write about poems, essays, rants and they write a post or two about someone they hold dear to. someone who has a special place somewhere deep inside them. thus, i dedicate this post for her; who i hold dear the most.

i am a bad writer to say the least; at least in the most conventional sense. i am sorry, you, please don't get your hopes up for a deep meaningful writing. then again, it's just me, ranting.

i will tell you about her, she's just like any other girls out there, she has her bad hair days, she does her make up, she dresses up, she sprays on her perfume, she has her breakdowns, she's your tumblr-esque girl; she's just like any other girl out there. but what she has and what any other girls out there doesn't have is her quirks. one of her idiosyncrasy was always having those peculiar quirks.

speaking about quirks. to be really frank, my dear friend. i would never understand her. i would never understand why she hates the sun, yet every morning she bathes in it. i would never understand how she hates unpleasant smell, yet every morning she would kiss me despite my morning breath. i would never understand when she said she doesn't understand love, yet she was the one who showed me everything that a book can't provide.

you see, i didn't understand the slightest bit of her actions, of her words, some left me questioning myself at night. for someone who claims to hate, she sure made the fun out of it. it is confusing, really. for she would never fit my logic. i claimed to hate this world and despise it nevertheless could never see how to make the full out of this.

until i saw her, amidst the radiating heat from the sun and cars spitting carbon dioxide; she smiled.
for the first time ever, i whispered to the sky above that and wished to stay a little bit longer in this place.

i stood with a hello amidst of thousand words, wondering where to begin.

ah yes, finally a blog. after years of losing a great amount of notes, endless warning on my phone due to the insufficient memories to save my writings and papers i scribbled on ended up nowhere to be near me. i had made to the point where i gave up on losing my writings and surrendered to the almighty internet. so, i decided to make a blog. and yes, like any other people in this platform would do: they do a self-introduction.

now now, don't take me the wrong way. i had a blog before; long before i made this one. yes, i was once too, a millennial kid. hence, i think i have a pretty clear grasp of how things works here. i would love to tell what was my previous blog about, and why did i deactivate it in the first place, but, it would take a whole space to explain why did i do such immature action. so, every time someone asked what happened to my blog, i'd gave them a nonchalant reply that "my lump of fur ball ate it."

long story short - to reduce the nonsense i will spit in this blog. this lovely platform that you are accessing will be filled with my thoughts about everything and anything. let that be scribbles, poems, rants, essays, you name it. you have been warned in advance, dear you. i salute you who has the guts and patience to cope up with even lord doesn't know what horrific writings will i write here.

so i will end this introduction with:

HELLO.