a tiny fragment from a big universe.

i've had a long conversation with myself, i think thats what made me occupied when i'm alone. maybe thats what triggered me to write again, i need to rant. besides, i made this blog for that purpose. i need to rant.

we all have our demons inside of us, mine would be voices that won't stop talking. the doubts, the paranoia came from that voice. for the longest time i ignored it. i kept it away in a small box inside of me, locked so no one could ever find it.

it worked.
for awhile.

the more i kept it deep down inside, the more louder it became. the voice breaks trough that tiny box. all it wanted was something simple, it needs to be heard. it needs to be acknowledge. but i'm too much of a coward that i'm afraid if i open that box, the demon will jump out and eat me alive. so i denied it, over and over again. i put it inside another box so the chances of it coming out are slimmer.

it went silent.
for awhile

it started to bang even more louder than before, and by that time i'm terrified so i put it inside another box hoping that it'll stop. this time, i put chains and more locks. i wrapped it in a hurry because i'm too afraid to touch the box. maybe this time it'll stop.

it was peaceful.
for awhile

i start to grow weary of it, i start to blame the box for everything i do. its not me! its the box.
time goes by and at first i glanced at it when it made a sound. i proceed to come closer, each week getting closer and closer. finally, i sat right next to it. the closest i've been with the box for awhile.

as days, months, years went by i start to undo all the chains and locks, i put aside all the wrappers, i took it out from the boxes i've thrown it in. i see the last box that i had to open. i waited for more to know what i'm doing is right.

as i opened the box in fear, to my surprise, i saw myself crawling out from the box. it became bigger and quickly grown to my size. i saw myself, in the way i hated. but the longer i stare, the longer i know that its me. i know that is myself i shunned for years.

we stood face to face for quite sometime, we stood there in silence.
i was trembling in fear but i still stood there. i looked at the demon's face and just know, it wants to be heard, it wants to be acknowledge.

and so i did.
by the time i'm wrote this, i'm not fully in terms with my demon, but i know that its there, and it lives within me since the very beginning of my time here. i'm learning to coexist with it as i am a human with flaws. maybe one day, we'll become one without any of us trying to hurt each other.

enough is enough.

-----------------



i question myself a lot
be it about life, love, or maybe why the sky is blue
but today, i asked myself
whats my purpose in life before i bid adieu

i don't have a past to be proud of
nor a shiny trophy or anything you can name
do i hate myself for it? maybe i do
maybe this whole time i'm the one to blame

but today, i surrender,
in the mighty arms of the universe
to take me wherever she grants
for i am small and insignificant in her eyes

i want to put all of my worries and doubts
all the painful past
all the clouded thoughts
all of my being.

for i am yours, universe,
i am sorry i have wandered too far
i want to come home
and be with you, once and for all.

001

i feel every depression that people feel in a big gigantic wave that strums my being. its odd to say it like that, but i'm writing for myself not for anyone else. these past few months i went through ups and downs. pills were chugged and drug was a paradise i made in my own head. i thought to myself, if i could keep my head numb i wouldn't hear the frightening sounds again - even for an hour. i wouldn't hear girls screaming or heavy breathing. i wont feel their anxiousness with their feet tapping when i'm all alone in the darkness.

my life these past months - no, my head this past months has been so crowded. it has never been this crowded before. i said to myself, repeating the same phrase over and over again to assure myself that this will stop, the voices will go away and soon the misery will end. i assure myself when i'm alone, when i'm going to sleep, when i walk, every where and every minute. its a constant battle between my own voice with anything that occupies my head.

constant fear that i'm afraid i'll ended up not knowing which one is my voice and which on is not. its like a parasite that consumes my brain implanting wrong memories and believing it was true. believing that its my own pain when its not. i was locked down in my own mind, boxed and cornered inside a tiny cell with the voices as the warden and i'm there being the prisoner. dying seems better than the option to stay inside that box.

the cell? imagine a tiny room where it only fit a bed and a toilet beside your bed. when you wake up, what you see is your cell and darkness. the walls are infested with mold and some scratches left abandoned when i decided to give up counting how long i was there. it was too real for something inside my head. it has become my second home when i'm alone. at times you can hear screams from the ends of the hall. if i'm lucky enough, it will be quite and you'll only feel suffocated because of how humid the place is.

the line between whats real and whats not has began to merge into one. to an extreme point, i really need people to snap me out - just by calling my name. break me from the thoughts and voices in my head. i'm close to giving up and surrender to the voices in my head and ready to be locked down deep down alone with those voices. i wish i ended my life when i had the chance but it'll cost burden to my family.

its so hard dealing with this, its affecting what i do in daily life. i have became very aggressive and slowly losing control of everything. touching whats real feels fake and touching the fake seems real. crying is now a lullaby for me to sleep and punching walls is my replacement for screaming. pills and spliffs could numb it, but those things don't come cheap. i am in need of help. i don't know how, but i know i need it.

i guess this is goodbye.

hi, or goodbye from the title.

a little bit of myself, i was diagnosed with bipolar. the medicines are still on trial, well everything is. its gotten worse since day one as it consumed almost everything from my life. i decided to stop writing here since staring at a blank computer page isn't good for my eyes - or maybe not as often. hey, who knows? i made myself a journal to keep track of everything from the beginning till the end. i honestly don't know how to handle myself and each night waking up is just waking up from another nightmare to another nightmare.

waking up realising i can continue to an eternal sleep haunts me every time i opened my eyes. i swear to anyone who is up there, i want everything back. but no matter how loud i shout, racing with the thunders, they kept their mouth shut. i guess, i am not worthy to look. i'm trying my best to be on my medication but it just doesn't help. at times, i can walk freely but instantly fall down to the thought of how long this'll last. being happy is not my forte. writing, scribbles on notes is.

notes, yes. its a very poorly made since i don't have any and i just gotta wing it with whats there. to anyone who reads this, a little bit of my soul is there. a bit of the infamous misadventure of myself is there. i am not the type who cares to leave marks here, but its there for anyone to find, if in the end i lost myself. but i'm trying with my might for the better. progressing and fighting is what i do best. picking fights with the universe is my hobby. and here i am standing saying to you "come at me".


a good day and a goodbye from me.

wanting the unwanted

i was born in a really dysfunctional family, run by pride, powered by shame for parting. since i was really young, both were never there and i grew up without any role models to look up to. one slumbers in the morning, and one was absent due to work. i grew up just because i was born. they have been preaching about love but never actually set an example for me, for their only child.

i grew up not in their loving hands but instead inside this empty room.
i grew up not with sing alongs but instead mockery and cries every night.
i grew up not with family vacations but instead kidnapping and abduction.
i grew up not with them but only by myself and any maid at the moment.

growing up, i just know that i have to call them mom and dad, but i didn't know what it meant. i used to have sleep overs at my cousin's house. i saw them every night sitting in their dining room to eat and have a family time. subconsciously, i was jealous because i could never have that. so there i was, growing up as a stray child who happens to have a home.

i would often have a fight with them, cursing them to die since they do nothing but a burden. i'm not even sorry for saying so. i've lost count on how many times i wished for them to die or i how i never see them as my parents since they were never from me. i've ran away so many times just to hear the same lies; we're sorry.

they would at times forget about my birthday and i grew up to accept that fact. also, they would fight because of me, for being the failure i am. the neglected child who they're ashamed for having is now depressed and been repressing since they wouldn't believe me for being so. they would see me as this thing and my surroundings caused me this. it was mainly because of them.

"its your fault now your kid is like this!"
"this kid is troubled, can't you see?"
"now what can we do with this mess?"
those are the words they would throw. they didn't realise they were screaming and i'm just a room away.

a certain point i ran away from all of this and did drugs, both chemical and organic. i took pills and smoked in my room to ease the pain and forget about everything. those were the things that calmed me. inanimate objects wins against the living and who gave birth. i have no friends and my lover is away. now i'm alone again in this room.

yes, it hurts.
at times it stings to hear those words.
why wouldn't you accept the mess you bring and be responsible?
why wouldn't you stop and listen how i'm turning insane?
why wouldn't you want me?
why wouldn't anyone wants me and put me as a trophy for once?

why wouldn't you want the unwanted?

hello from the other side of me, a dream journal to say the least?

a girl, my ex and you.

my ex gave me rose, the girl wanted me just a dose.

it all happened so quickly, time moved pretty swiftly

i stood there with a hole that never ceased to close.

i guess in that dream we weren't together?

i think, i saw you were busy with another?

what was that look? i cant really tell.

the girl beside me was working on a spell.

for a moment there, i thought i didn't know you.

you're different, was tired and empty too?

i tried to reach, but i didn't have the guts.

maybe they're right, i am just a silly klutz.
 

i saw my ex running towards me, with the familiar face i saw years back.

i put on my jacket, walk through the door not giving any fuck.

i saw you again, with eyes all puffy and body so stiff.

i didn't have the guts, i walked pass and light the spliff.

my phone rang, it was a text.

it felt familiar is as if i know what will happen next. 

i was running away from my dreads.

before i know it, i woke up with no string on me and only sweats.

a girl, my ex and you.

the dream was weird, the kind that makes your spines tingle.
the sadness, the joy, the feeling was too real for me to say it was a dream.
i woke up with confusion, like that time i took lsd and woke up with frustration.
i looked at my wrist, its getting worse with infection. at least i know this is real.
i guess i should just take a pill of joy that the doctor once prescribed me with, i took it for fun, but i should take it for my life.
and when i feel a bit better, i'll have the guts to say goodbye forever.

dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

crumpled wet piece of paper

everything is greyer. even if its sunny.
everything is louder. even when its quite.
everything is slow. even when you're running.
everything is heavy. even without any clothes on.
everything is a mess. even you cleaned everything.

i feel suffocated. but there's too much space.
i feel tired. but i've been in bed all day.
i feel sad. but everyone is so happy.

but thats not the problem.
nobody notice anything.

whatever happened to those people who said "silent screams screams the loudest"

everyone is deaf and i'm starting to lose my voice

the other side of the moon isn't so dark for you

for all that has happened in this past few years, i never could actually recall what has happened. it's like, i've been in auto-pilot mode for most of the times. oh indeed, its frustrating. so most of the time i cry myself to sleep, or at times, i would just exhaust myself in hopes that i might wake up in an asylum for my daily medication. now, don't worry, i am not sad, i am just -- overwhelmed. if these wall can talk, i'd bet they'd be screaming at me asking for me to apologise for all the blood stains from time to time.

as i continue being a parasite in this world, i noticed that not only the sturdy wall began to crack, also my consciousness. it crumbles every time the doubt comes knocking in. the line between reality and fantasies began to fade. spazzing, morphing, shaking, disorientated. the showering questions about what is real and what is not keeps on repeating, it kept going on, like a broken radio searching for tune. these hands are busy covering my head while it was already covered with splinters. every now and then i can hear the muffled screams from the insides that will ache any soul who ever dares to listen to it.

little by little, i stopped myself from growing, cut all the things i loved, stoop to the lowest level. i became someone who i never knew before. at first, i thought, i was alive. succumbing into any substances, to any person i came across with. but just with a blink of an eye, everything falls into tiny little pieces in front of my eye. i am back to square one where i am lost, i am just another cog in the machine just to blend in and interact with these people who doesn't know anything.

time passed, i was wandering aimlessly and for the love of god, and the cruelty of the universe's joke, i stumbled upon her. which till this day, i can't put my fingers whether i found her, or the other way around. like a black sand magnet, i was drowning to her force. this time, i wasn't even trying to escape. i wasn't struggling. for once, i let the world took control over this slab of meat. not knowing or fearing whatever lies next.

first, i noticed that she was covered nice clothes, showered with affections everywhere and here i am, standing, covered with scars and there is nothing beautiful about. i tried my best to keep it hidden from the outside world, from her, in hopes that only me and god knows such things exists here, in my body. besides, nobody wants a wreck, right? everyone has their own mess to deal with. hence, i never show anything to anyone; especially to her.

as we let time freely roams, i sank and float. till i began to drown deeper. automatically, i tried my best to hid every scar that i have, in hopes she'll see me as a person, a functioning human being. not as a monstrous being who walks in daylight and lurks in the dark. it went well for quite sometime. but, cursed my mouth, it wont stop spilling the horrid truth of my being. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it all started when i was with her. embracing each other's heat and she accidentally touched my scars. before i could jerk away from her, she managed to slid the shirt i wore of off me. and there i was, i stood in front of her; bare, nothing to hide and was vulnerable. she starts to trace from the most visible ones till the ones you have to squint your eyes.i held my breathe hoping for the worst to come. but instead, she starts to kiss and telling me it was nothing.

night after i was in my room, i couldn't stop thinking what happened the other day. i needed somewhere to rant, so i did. it came into my surprise that my phone dinged, notifying that i have received a new message. it caught me off guard, the whole conversation break down my walls and me being on my knees. after awhile for being dead, i learned how to breath. i was no longer a monster. i was a human and i felt alive.

---------


"are you okay? i saw your post earlier, i'm mildly concerned."

"i am ok. i was just thinking what happened, what you saw."

"if kissing your scars and telling you you're beautiful aren't convincing enough for you, then tell me how"

"thank you, though."

"why should you be thanking me when i do things that make myself happy? i like you that much..

..it goes without saying i accept you and your scares. literal and metaphorical scars."

and by that, she was one of the rare kind ones to see me as whole.