i've had a long conversation with myself, i think thats what made me occupied when i'm alone. maybe thats what triggered me to write again, i need to rant. besides, i made this blog for that purpose. i need to rant.
we all have our demons inside of us, mine would be voices that won't stop talking. the doubts, the paranoia came from that voice. for the longest time i ignored it. i kept it away in a small box inside of me, locked so no one could ever find it.
it worked.
for awhile.
the more i kept it deep down inside, the more louder it became. the voice breaks trough that tiny box. all it wanted was something simple, it needs to be heard. it needs to be acknowledge. but i'm too much of a coward that i'm afraid if i open that box, the demon will jump out and eat me alive. so i denied it, over and over again. i put it inside another box so the chances of it coming out are slimmer.
it went silent.
for awhile
it started to bang even more louder than before, and by that time i'm terrified so i put it inside another box hoping that it'll stop. this time, i put chains and more locks. i wrapped it in a hurry because i'm too afraid to touch the box. maybe this time it'll stop.
it was peaceful.
for awhile
i start to grow weary of it, i start to blame the box for everything i do. its not me! its the box.
time goes by and at first i glanced at it when it made a sound. i proceed to come closer, each week getting closer and closer. finally, i sat right next to it. the closest i've been with the box for awhile.
as days, months, years went by i start to undo all the chains and locks, i put aside all the wrappers, i took it out from the boxes i've thrown it in. i see the last box that i had to open. i waited for more to know what i'm doing is right.
as i opened the box in fear, to my surprise, i saw myself crawling out from the box. it became bigger and quickly grown to my size. i saw myself, in the way i hated. but the longer i stare, the longer i know that its me. i know that is myself i shunned for years.
we stood face to face for quite sometime, we stood there in silence.
i was trembling in fear but i still stood there. i looked at the demon's face and just know, it wants to be heard, it wants to be acknowledge.
and so i did.
by the time i'm wrote this, i'm not fully in terms with my demon, but i know that its there, and it lives within me since the very beginning of my time here. i'm learning to coexist with it as i am a human with flaws. maybe one day, we'll become one without any of us trying to hurt each other.
enough is enough.
-----------------
i question myself a lot
be it about life, love, or maybe why the sky is blue
but today, i asked myself
whats my purpose in life before i bid adieu
i don't have a past to be proud of
nor a shiny trophy or anything you can name
do i hate myself for it? maybe i do
maybe this whole time i'm the one to blame
but today, i surrender,
in the mighty arms of the universe
to take me wherever she grants
for i am small and insignificant in her eyes
i want to put all of my worries and doubts
all the painful past
all the clouded thoughts
all of my being.
for i am yours, universe,
i am sorry i have wandered too far
i want to come home
and be with you, once and for all.
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