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i feel every depression that people feel in a big gigantic wave that strums my being. its odd to say it like that, but i'm writing for myself not for anyone else. these past few months i went through ups and downs. pills were chugged and drug was a paradise i made in my own head. i thought to myself, if i could keep my head numb i wouldn't hear the frightening sounds again - even for an hour. i wouldn't hear girls screaming or heavy breathing. i wont feel their anxiousness with their feet tapping when i'm all alone in the darkness.

my life these past months - no, my head this past months has been so crowded. it has never been this crowded before. i said to myself, repeating the same phrase over and over again to assure myself that this will stop, the voices will go away and soon the misery will end. i assure myself when i'm alone, when i'm going to sleep, when i walk, every where and every minute. its a constant battle between my own voice with anything that occupies my head.

constant fear that i'm afraid i'll ended up not knowing which one is my voice and which on is not. its like a parasite that consumes my brain implanting wrong memories and believing it was true. believing that its my own pain when its not. i was locked down in my own mind, boxed and cornered inside a tiny cell with the voices as the warden and i'm there being the prisoner. dying seems better than the option to stay inside that box.

the cell? imagine a tiny room where it only fit a bed and a toilet beside your bed. when you wake up, what you see is your cell and darkness. the walls are infested with mold and some scratches left abandoned when i decided to give up counting how long i was there. it was too real for something inside my head. it has become my second home when i'm alone. at times you can hear screams from the ends of the hall. if i'm lucky enough, it will be quite and you'll only feel suffocated because of how humid the place is.

the line between whats real and whats not has began to merge into one. to an extreme point, i really need people to snap me out - just by calling my name. break me from the thoughts and voices in my head. i'm close to giving up and surrender to the voices in my head and ready to be locked down deep down alone with those voices. i wish i ended my life when i had the chance but it'll cost burden to my family.

its so hard dealing with this, its affecting what i do in daily life. i have became very aggressive and slowly losing control of everything. touching whats real feels fake and touching the fake seems real. crying is now a lullaby for me to sleep and punching walls is my replacement for screaming. pills and spliffs could numb it, but those things don't come cheap. i am in need of help. i don't know how, but i know i need it.

i guess this is goodbye.

hi, or goodbye from the title.

a little bit of myself, i was diagnosed with bipolar. the medicines are still on trial, well everything is. its gotten worse since day one as it consumed almost everything from my life. i decided to stop writing here since staring at a blank computer page isn't good for my eyes - or maybe not as often. hey, who knows? i made myself a journal to keep track of everything from the beginning till the end. i honestly don't know how to handle myself and each night waking up is just waking up from another nightmare to another nightmare.

waking up realising i can continue to an eternal sleep haunts me every time i opened my eyes. i swear to anyone who is up there, i want everything back. but no matter how loud i shout, racing with the thunders, they kept their mouth shut. i guess, i am not worthy to look. i'm trying my best to be on my medication but it just doesn't help. at times, i can walk freely but instantly fall down to the thought of how long this'll last. being happy is not my forte. writing, scribbles on notes is.

notes, yes. its a very poorly made since i don't have any and i just gotta wing it with whats there. to anyone who reads this, a little bit of my soul is there. a bit of the infamous misadventure of myself is there. i am not the type who cares to leave marks here, but its there for anyone to find, if in the end i lost myself. but i'm trying with my might for the better. progressing and fighting is what i do best. picking fights with the universe is my hobby. and here i am standing saying to you "come at me".


a good day and a goodbye from me.