phone notes, left forgotten needs their shine

relevance

do i believe in love?

i did.

"did?" you asked?

yes.

like a flower once bloomed

it has now withered

unbothered

dead

if love supposed to be eternal

its pretty easy to replace

it seemed magical

but it left without a trace

love is replaceable,

or at least thats what i know

love is temporary,

or at least thats what i saw

i believed in love

i don’t think i’ll believe in it

once more.

///

is there anything thats right

when theres nothing left?

what about the feelings thats died

and left to be forgotten?

is there anything to look up

when i’m down here?

what about the promises that made

and left to be broken?

is there someone else

when i’m here all by myself self?

will i find my happiness

even here in this darkness?

is there any way to be okay

even after i throw everything away?

the path that i chose is the path i want

alone and content - well maybe not today.

but amidst all chaos,

and the order i disturbed.

i can clearly see myself

and for the last time,

i’ll save myself once more.

a man from north came to visit to wake me up

when will you stop?

i'm guessing not in this life, not when you're still alive.

you're a pain.

me? a pain? you should see you contracted you - us for that matter and see who is the pain

what do we get for this?

some things happened way before this, i'm not surprised you don't remember.

so do you?

no, i don't.

and after we conversed about many things, a glimpse of who am i, a little bit of everything. i became more at ease talking to the voice that i repressed for lord knows how long. the more i talk, the more i felt familiar with everything and my purpose. crazy? i think so too. to be really fair, a side of me doesn't like this, i don't want to be crazy talking baloney. after all, i despise those people - pity, i am becoming one of them.

after 21 years setting foot, i asked why now? why not sooner? better yet, why not never? i showered myself with hurricanes of questions that never cease to end just to find myself in square one.
then comes the greater question, why me out of all people it can contact, it has to be me. i can't even finish anything right, let alone being in a contract with it.

but little by little, i have finally grasped where i am from, why i am here but still don't know, why me. i can't be greedy, can't i? at times, i wished myself to not know any of this stuff, being blind for my own good. i have not yet come to terms with that, but where things are going, i'll be there soon enough. when i'm ready to face everything and accept everything that has been happening.

all i know, the place i'm from is not made of glitters and gold. desperation and tears are just dust there, i won't be explaining much, besides, this platform is where i keep my thoughts from going anywhere. so this is just a reminder. there will come a day where i'll leave, once this is done and maybe by then, i'm free.

christmas night wasn't that merry for me

" you will have everything you desire but it will have a price."

a soul? life?

"no, regret."

i'm making a deal with you, his representative and you're talking to me. if i give up something, i receive something. i know how this works.

"go on. i know yours wont be selfish."

by now you should know, no souls matters to trade.

"behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine: the soul who sins shall die."

i am never alive, you want something else. it is never easy talking to you.


"you're a smart one, i'm trading for regrets. for what awaits you then, you already know."


the future is never sure, for now leave me alone.


"are you sure?"


i am. go on, be gone. before that, i never catch your name. i couldn't care less how you find me.


"people who reads knows me as memphistopheles."


i have a feeling i'd meet you soon, after i talked to them.
but thank you, maybe next time i'll serve beside you again.
 

and by that, i was alone again. christmas did took an unexpected turn for me.

they say i should be thankful, and so i will be.

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you finally found sanctuary and knowing nothing will hurt you?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you stop worrying about what will come after this very moment?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you get dressed up in fancy clothes and sleeping in a comfy bed?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you easily stop thinking what you don't need to think about?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you close your eyes and not fearing what will grab you in the dark?

and, when you're dead,
do you forget about everything when you were still breathing?

well, i guess i am pretty much alive  then.

sribbles on a piece of tissue

take a peek through the cracks of my walls to see what lies inside

"you know, i don't know what's worst. you crying alone or you're making his death as an excuse."

i hear a familiar voice echoes as i am washing my face.

"i know you, you can't lie. i've been watching you crying these past few nights. i didn't expect this night would be bloody."

i didn't even bother, i dried my face and looked for aspirins and first aid kit.

"it's inside the cupboard, you always put it there. incase something happens; something like this."

there was a long pause, none of us move from where we are.

"i'm guessing this will be a long night, huh? this will be fun." 

i stood there, looking sharply at the mirror.

"you should stop, you know? i'm just stating the obvious here. i don't want you to die"

i would shout, but i don't want to wake the neighbours.

i heard chuckles.

"aren't you tired? look at you, every night. you're a mess, scattered, train-wreck. heck! a wreck."

i clenched my fist, struggling in control.

"you were happy, you were--"

the voice stopped only for the sound of shattered mirror fills the room.
i cant control my tears from falling, let alone the blood dripping from my wrist and my fist.

i left the bathroom and immediately look for the aspirins.
i took the aspirin and closed my eyes.

both are to be swallowed and leave a bad taste in my mouth.


i guess i should've listen to myself more.