the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

a man from north came to visit to wake me up

when will you stop?

i'm guessing not in this life, not when you're still alive.

you're a pain.

me? a pain? you should see you contracted you - us for that matter and see who is the pain

what do we get for this?

some things happened way before this, i'm not surprised you don't remember.

so do you?

no, i don't.

and after we conversed about many things, a glimpse of who am i, a little bit of everything. i became more at ease talking to the voice that i repressed for lord knows how long. the more i talk, the more i felt familiar with everything and my purpose. crazy? i think so too. to be really fair, a side of me doesn't like this, i don't want to be crazy talking baloney. after all, i despise those people - pity, i am becoming one of them.

after 21 years setting foot, i asked why now? why not sooner? better yet, why not never? i showered myself with hurricanes of questions that never cease to end just to find myself in square one.
then comes the greater question, why me out of all people it can contact, it has to be me. i can't even finish anything right, let alone being in a contract with it.

but little by little, i have finally grasped where i am from, why i am here but still don't know, why me. i can't be greedy, can't i? at times, i wished myself to not know any of this stuff, being blind for my own good. i have not yet come to terms with that, but where things are going, i'll be there soon enough. when i'm ready to face everything and accept everything that has been happening.

all i know, the place i'm from is not made of glitters and gold. desperation and tears are just dust there, i won't be explaining much, besides, this platform is where i keep my thoughts from going anywhere. so this is just a reminder. there will come a day where i'll leave, once this is done and maybe by then, i'm free.

dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

one made love to my body and one made love to my soul

unraveled clothes

i love you

 sharing heat

i love you so much 

gentle movements

i love you so much it's unreal

 muffled moans

i love you so much i am questioning myself

 racing breathes

i shouldn't be loving someone this much

 screams of pleasures

nevertheless,i love you.

shivering flesh

the other side of the moon isn't so dark for you

for all that has happened in this past few years, i never could actually recall what has happened. it's like, i've been in auto-pilot mode for most of the times. oh indeed, its frustrating. so most of the time i cry myself to sleep, or at times, i would just exhaust myself in hopes that i might wake up in an asylum for my daily medication. now, don't worry, i am not sad, i am just -- overwhelmed. if these wall can talk, i'd bet they'd be screaming at me asking for me to apologise for all the blood stains from time to time.

as i continue being a parasite in this world, i noticed that not only the sturdy wall began to crack, also my consciousness. it crumbles every time the doubt comes knocking in. the line between reality and fantasies began to fade. spazzing, morphing, shaking, disorientated. the showering questions about what is real and what is not keeps on repeating, it kept going on, like a broken radio searching for tune. these hands are busy covering my head while it was already covered with splinters. every now and then i can hear the muffled screams from the insides that will ache any soul who ever dares to listen to it.

little by little, i stopped myself from growing, cut all the things i loved, stoop to the lowest level. i became someone who i never knew before. at first, i thought, i was alive. succumbing into any substances, to any person i came across with. but just with a blink of an eye, everything falls into tiny little pieces in front of my eye. i am back to square one where i am lost, i am just another cog in the machine just to blend in and interact with these people who doesn't know anything.

time passed, i was wandering aimlessly and for the love of god, and the cruelty of the universe's joke, i stumbled upon her. which till this day, i can't put my fingers whether i found her, or the other way around. like a black sand magnet, i was drowning to her force. this time, i wasn't even trying to escape. i wasn't struggling. for once, i let the world took control over this slab of meat. not knowing or fearing whatever lies next.

first, i noticed that she was covered nice clothes, showered with affections everywhere and here i am, standing, covered with scars and there is nothing beautiful about. i tried my best to keep it hidden from the outside world, from her, in hopes that only me and god knows such things exists here, in my body. besides, nobody wants a wreck, right? everyone has their own mess to deal with. hence, i never show anything to anyone; especially to her.

as we let time freely roams, i sank and float. till i began to drown deeper. automatically, i tried my best to hid every scar that i have, in hopes she'll see me as a person, a functioning human being. not as a monstrous being who walks in daylight and lurks in the dark. it went well for quite sometime. but, cursed my mouth, it wont stop spilling the horrid truth of my being. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it all started when i was with her. embracing each other's heat and she accidentally touched my scars. before i could jerk away from her, she managed to slid the shirt i wore of off me. and there i was, i stood in front of her; bare, nothing to hide and was vulnerable. she starts to trace from the most visible ones till the ones you have to squint your eyes.i held my breathe hoping for the worst to come. but instead, she starts to kiss and telling me it was nothing.

night after i was in my room, i couldn't stop thinking what happened the other day. i needed somewhere to rant, so i did. it came into my surprise that my phone dinged, notifying that i have received a new message. it caught me off guard, the whole conversation break down my walls and me being on my knees. after awhile for being dead, i learned how to breath. i was no longer a monster. i was a human and i felt alive.

---------


"are you okay? i saw your post earlier, i'm mildly concerned."

"i am ok. i was just thinking what happened, what you saw."

"if kissing your scars and telling you you're beautiful aren't convincing enough for you, then tell me how"

"thank you, though."

"why should you be thanking me when i do things that make myself happy? i like you that much..

..it goes without saying i accept you and your scares. literal and metaphorical scars."

and by that, she was one of the rare kind ones to see me as whole.

they say i should be thankful, and so i will be.

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you finally found sanctuary and knowing nothing will hurt you?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you stop worrying about what will come after this very moment?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you get dressed up in fancy clothes and sleeping in a comfy bed?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you easily stop thinking what you don't need to think about?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you close your eyes and not fearing what will grab you in the dark?

and, when you're dead,
do you forget about everything when you were still breathing?

well, i guess i am pretty much alive  then.

sribbles on a piece of tissue

a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.