hello from the other side of me, a dream journal to say the least?

a girl, my ex and you.

my ex gave me rose, the girl wanted me just a dose.

it all happened so quickly, time moved pretty swiftly

i stood there with a hole that never ceased to close.

i guess in that dream we weren't together?

i think, i saw you were busy with another?

what was that look? i cant really tell.

the girl beside me was working on a spell.

for a moment there, i thought i didn't know you.

you're different, was tired and empty too?

i tried to reach, but i didn't have the guts.

maybe they're right, i am just a silly klutz.
 

i saw my ex running towards me, with the familiar face i saw years back.

i put on my jacket, walk through the door not giving any fuck.

i saw you again, with eyes all puffy and body so stiff.

i didn't have the guts, i walked pass and light the spliff.

my phone rang, it was a text.

it felt familiar is as if i know what will happen next. 

i was running away from my dreads.

before i know it, i woke up with no string on me and only sweats.

a girl, my ex and you.

the dream was weird, the kind that makes your spines tingle.
the sadness, the joy, the feeling was too real for me to say it was a dream.
i woke up with confusion, like that time i took lsd and woke up with frustration.
i looked at my wrist, its getting worse with infection. at least i know this is real.
i guess i should just take a pill of joy that the doctor once prescribed me with, i took it for fun, but i should take it for my life.
and when i feel a bit better, i'll have the guts to say goodbye forever.

a reminder for myself about loving and keeping my head low

as you have splinters on your fingers because of paper cuts
not because of trying to hurt yourself
you know she is the one

as you cry the night of feeling lonely
not because of the heartache
you know she is the one

as you sing and a face shows every rhythm hits
not just an earworm that bugs you
you know she is the one

as you are al night writing for one soul only
not for essays or paperwork
you know she is the one

as you are going places and it felt nostalgic
not because the place is nice
you know she is the one

as you are driving and missing someone to talk to
not just hearing people talk over the radio
you know she is the one

as you know you're alive
not wandering around
you know she is the life

things will get hard,
and i know you wrote on your whiteboard
a little reminder for yourself that this will all be payed
with the countless laughter and the night you'll end your day with

things will get hard,
and you'll feel you've been pushed over you limit
but know now, you are capable of doing things you never imagined doing
all the impossibilities you know are just another task you knew

things will get hard,
and you'll feel its the end of everything you know
but i'm reminding you it will be harder living life without the person
who thought you how yo be alive

i am here to remind you
to be grateful,
to be thankful,
to be enough,
to be tough.

things will get hard,
and i am here once more to remind you,
everything will pay off once you see her in person
all your efforts will soon be payed with a simple smile from her.

i guess none of us will know what the future hold for tomorrow

if i give you my freedom
will you hold it
is as if its your world?

if i give you my everything
out from nothing
will you see it as whole?

if i do the impossible
against the odds
will you still see me as a human?

if i took an arrow to the knee
will you pick me up
and walk by my side?

if i give you two keys
with you knowing fully what lies
which will you open for me?

if i give you all the things
that you never seen before

will you still seek what you lost?

dear anyone who reads this,
this is another of your daily dose of nonsense. i promise- no, i'll try not to be this sappy later on. cause i can't promise you anything. i tried not to, but the more i tried
the more tissues, pieces of papers, sometimes even my hand is filled with my writings.
i guess its the distance, the things that happened, or maybe its just me being me, need somewhere to rant.
either way, i am sorry.

dear you,
i am writing this out of the blue, amidst people shouting and screaming.
at times, i continue when i'm in a moving car.
it has been bothering me for awhile, and i cant seem to spit it out.
a lot has happened and i guess a lot will happen more.
i hope you'll stay.

but in the end, i would want you to know

you are my every reason the things i do and i want to do

i guess i already said you this, but i will say this again:

you are both my salvation and my destruction at the same time. i am certain that in the end i'll be breathing or dead because of you.








and that is exactly what i want you to do to me.

one made love to my body and one made love to my soul

unraveled clothes

i love you

 sharing heat

i love you so much 

gentle movements

i love you so much it's unreal

 muffled moans

i love you so much i am questioning myself

 racing breathes

i shouldn't be loving someone this much

 screams of pleasures

nevertheless,i love you.

shivering flesh

the other side of the moon isn't so dark for you

for all that has happened in this past few years, i never could actually recall what has happened. it's like, i've been in auto-pilot mode for most of the times. oh indeed, its frustrating. so most of the time i cry myself to sleep, or at times, i would just exhaust myself in hopes that i might wake up in an asylum for my daily medication. now, don't worry, i am not sad, i am just -- overwhelmed. if these wall can talk, i'd bet they'd be screaming at me asking for me to apologise for all the blood stains from time to time.

as i continue being a parasite in this world, i noticed that not only the sturdy wall began to crack, also my consciousness. it crumbles every time the doubt comes knocking in. the line between reality and fantasies began to fade. spazzing, morphing, shaking, disorientated. the showering questions about what is real and what is not keeps on repeating, it kept going on, like a broken radio searching for tune. these hands are busy covering my head while it was already covered with splinters. every now and then i can hear the muffled screams from the insides that will ache any soul who ever dares to listen to it.

little by little, i stopped myself from growing, cut all the things i loved, stoop to the lowest level. i became someone who i never knew before. at first, i thought, i was alive. succumbing into any substances, to any person i came across with. but just with a blink of an eye, everything falls into tiny little pieces in front of my eye. i am back to square one where i am lost, i am just another cog in the machine just to blend in and interact with these people who doesn't know anything.

time passed, i was wandering aimlessly and for the love of god, and the cruelty of the universe's joke, i stumbled upon her. which till this day, i can't put my fingers whether i found her, or the other way around. like a black sand magnet, i was drowning to her force. this time, i wasn't even trying to escape. i wasn't struggling. for once, i let the world took control over this slab of meat. not knowing or fearing whatever lies next.

first, i noticed that she was covered nice clothes, showered with affections everywhere and here i am, standing, covered with scars and there is nothing beautiful about. i tried my best to keep it hidden from the outside world, from her, in hopes that only me and god knows such things exists here, in my body. besides, nobody wants a wreck, right? everyone has their own mess to deal with. hence, i never show anything to anyone; especially to her.

as we let time freely roams, i sank and float. till i began to drown deeper. automatically, i tried my best to hid every scar that i have, in hopes she'll see me as a person, a functioning human being. not as a monstrous being who walks in daylight and lurks in the dark. it went well for quite sometime. but, cursed my mouth, it wont stop spilling the horrid truth of my being. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it all started when i was with her. embracing each other's heat and she accidentally touched my scars. before i could jerk away from her, she managed to slid the shirt i wore of off me. and there i was, i stood in front of her; bare, nothing to hide and was vulnerable. she starts to trace from the most visible ones till the ones you have to squint your eyes.i held my breathe hoping for the worst to come. but instead, she starts to kiss and telling me it was nothing.

night after i was in my room, i couldn't stop thinking what happened the other day. i needed somewhere to rant, so i did. it came into my surprise that my phone dinged, notifying that i have received a new message. it caught me off guard, the whole conversation break down my walls and me being on my knees. after awhile for being dead, i learned how to breath. i was no longer a monster. i was a human and i felt alive.

---------


"are you okay? i saw your post earlier, i'm mildly concerned."

"i am ok. i was just thinking what happened, what you saw."

"if kissing your scars and telling you you're beautiful aren't convincing enough for you, then tell me how"

"thank you, though."

"why should you be thanking me when i do things that make myself happy? i like you that much..

..it goes without saying i accept you and your scares. literal and metaphorical scars."

and by that, she was one of the rare kind ones to see me as whole.

a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.

for a place so ugly, you made it lovely

the fact that earth is just another purgatory has never been the main reason for me not to like this place. it's just another reason for me to put on the list. earth and i was never in the same box to begin with, and for the longest time i can remember, i really want to leave this place. i love the idea of escaping this realm. truth is, i'm still here. throughout the year, my misfitted soul surely got the hang of it. but, a misfit will always be a misfit.

i was stuck in that idea, until of course, i met a girl.
before i continue, you probably should've guessed from the title above, yes? it is about a girl. now there, please don't get me wrong about this. i have met a lot of girls; tons of them if you want me to accumulate their weight. some as friends, some were my significant other, some were just never had a good ending. heck, some even ended up as empty hook-ups.

moving on, just like any other blog i've ever stumbled upon, they would write about poems, essays, rants and they write a post or two about someone they hold dear to. someone who has a special place somewhere deep inside them. thus, i dedicate this post for her; who i hold dear the most.

i am a bad writer to say the least; at least in the most conventional sense. i am sorry, you, please don't get your hopes up for a deep meaningful writing. then again, it's just me, ranting.

i will tell you about her, she's just like any other girls out there, she has her bad hair days, she does her make up, she dresses up, she sprays on her perfume, she has her breakdowns, she's your tumblr-esque girl; she's just like any other girl out there. but what she has and what any other girls out there doesn't have is her quirks. one of her idiosyncrasy was always having those peculiar quirks.

speaking about quirks. to be really frank, my dear friend. i would never understand her. i would never understand why she hates the sun, yet every morning she bathes in it. i would never understand how she hates unpleasant smell, yet every morning she would kiss me despite my morning breath. i would never understand when she said she doesn't understand love, yet she was the one who showed me everything that a book can't provide.

you see, i didn't understand the slightest bit of her actions, of her words, some left me questioning myself at night. for someone who claims to hate, she sure made the fun out of it. it is confusing, really. for she would never fit my logic. i claimed to hate this world and despise it nevertheless could never see how to make the full out of this.

until i saw her, amidst the radiating heat from the sun and cars spitting carbon dioxide; she smiled.
for the first time ever, i whispered to the sky above that and wished to stay a little bit longer in this place.