the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

the pills are typing

at first i took half,
since that was my dose from the doctor.
it gave me a good night sleep.

the week after i took two,
i'm feeling i'm building a tolerance.
it silence my head and a good night sleep.

hours later i want another two,
it feels my body has a mind of it own.
it silenced my existence for awhile.

days past i took five,
my head was too crowded for me too sleep
i didn't get a good night sleep but at least its numb

an hour later, i took an extra three,
this time with something to burn and burn you insides
i feel like i'm going away.

maybe one day,
just maybe,
i'll take all of them
and i'll be sleeping at peace forever.

when i sleep, burn me till my remains are only ashes.
spread me to where the nature will greet me with ease.
light, sound and waves is where i'll return.
nature of the living i will be.


a preview

https://youtu.be/Dtb9H-FFO7E

sounds of metal forging is clear.
laughter of a girl.
sweats and starting to see things.
torso down feel stiff
dreamt big wings wating on the corner of my room

hello from the other side of me, a dream journal to say the least?

a girl, my ex and you.

my ex gave me rose, the girl wanted me just a dose.

it all happened so quickly, time moved pretty swiftly

i stood there with a hole that never ceased to close.

i guess in that dream we weren't together?

i think, i saw you were busy with another?

what was that look? i cant really tell.

the girl beside me was working on a spell.

for a moment there, i thought i didn't know you.

you're different, was tired and empty too?

i tried to reach, but i didn't have the guts.

maybe they're right, i am just a silly klutz.
 

i saw my ex running towards me, with the familiar face i saw years back.

i put on my jacket, walk through the door not giving any fuck.

i saw you again, with eyes all puffy and body so stiff.

i didn't have the guts, i walked pass and light the spliff.

my phone rang, it was a text.

it felt familiar is as if i know what will happen next. 

i was running away from my dreads.

before i know it, i woke up with no string on me and only sweats.

a girl, my ex and you.

the dream was weird, the kind that makes your spines tingle.
the sadness, the joy, the feeling was too real for me to say it was a dream.
i woke up with confusion, like that time i took lsd and woke up with frustration.
i looked at my wrist, its getting worse with infection. at least i know this is real.
i guess i should just take a pill of joy that the doctor once prescribed me with, i took it for fun, but i should take it for my life.
and when i feel a bit better, i'll have the guts to say goodbye forever.

all warriors knows memento mori, but i didn't get the memo

did i mention to you, i have a habit where i like to write on tissue paper? well, this is one of them. i wrote this a while ago when i was still in between the line of being alive and dying. i had this constant nightmare where when i wake up, it would just be darkness. as time went by, i gave in, accepting fate for what might happen.

all people has their future, of course, including me. difference is, mine is already written. i envy those people who has full powers of what they have. now, moving on. i have been telling you i have roamed in this purgatory for quite awhile, no? i lived a long life, but, alas, in a short time. if one day, if  i am here, beside you and the next day i'm nowhere to be found. don't panic, its as simple as i went home first before any of you did.

a few hundred micrograms

i want you to put me on your tongue 

and i will dissolve and you will taste the stars in your mouth

i want you to touch my skin; feel my flesh 

and trace every parts till you find my long lost soul

i want you to be disorientated with everything

and having trouble figuring out whether to kiss me or admire me

tell me your favourite colours and i'll be as lovely as a lavender dress 

as it spun under the beaming sun

tell me what you fear, what you are terrified of
and i'll show you the devil inside me will protect you

tell me everything that you want to be 

and we'll be everything above anything

i want the time to stop ticking 

because a minute are a bunch of shy sixty and it moves pretty swiftly

i want to stop and see how the moon moved to your eyes reversedly

yet it still glows when you are standing amidst sea of people

i want to show you the unknown so you know how far

this feeling pushed to the other side

i want you to know that what i intended to kill
actually kills me without me knowing

pieces of my writings that i randomly found, awhile ago.