things that goes cat!!!!!!!!! a story

let me tell you a bit about a cat that was with me for awhile, that cat could walk through hell and still fucking came out smiling. he could be sent to heaven and back down to hell without a broken bone. that cat was a demon.

he loved to love and he gave his all to love. gambled his all on the table while looking lady fortune's dead in the eye pushing his luck for anything. he was invincible. he was stupid. he was stupidly in love. it seemed like forever ago i once saw him. he was here, at the beginning.

i guess he left me. i mean i'd leave myself too looking the direction i'm going right now. i don't blame him. he slowly left when i stopped listening to my heart and when i was deaf, he was gone. time past by, days, months, years even! i shut myself down. letting in some demon inside me and consumed me. the fire you made slowly dimmed with me.

i miss that stupid cat. i fucking miss that klutz.
that kid could swim the ocean and flew skies to get what he wants
that cat could give it all even he'll left with none
how i miss that stupid cat

he'd do whatever to what his heart wishes
that cat would reach the moon if his heart wants
he can't move mountain but that cat would go around a thousand times and a thousand times more

he would listen to his heart

he would nag all day like a little boy that he is
he would ask her to write like a kid wants his bedtime stories
he would laugh at the stupidest thing oh that cheeky kid.

where has he gone to? his life was so.. free
i remember that kid would be jealous for anything stupid
"number one fan my ass!" he would say nonchalantly like kid fighting for the stupidest thing

that kid would cut a whole god damn rose field to bring to his lover. that kid is something.
i could never know what is in that small brain of his. cars? lasagna? toys? will cats eventually rule the the world and made us slaves in about precisely 34 years from now? really... nobody would know.

but he may not like it, he could be mature at times.
where did that stupid cat went where everyone is depending on that klutz. what the fuck are you? the avatar? "when the world needed him the most, he disappeared????"

comeback home safe kid, i miss you. i miss you so much...
when you're back, i promised i'll clean the mess i made and make it like home once more.

pin me down, fuck me and break my heart, love, for its always been there.

fuck my brains out until it hurts for me to think
break my heart until no air could enter my lungs
pin me down until i can't move a single limb

stab my heart like you mean it,
kill me beautifully with your words,
hurt me until all you can hear from me is your name

choke my heart like you would choke my neck
have the intent to kill
and suffocate me with all the lust and the hate

shoot my head with your deadly eyes,
show me those bulletproof body of yours
bleed me wide open

scar me with your hands like you left those love bites
pull my guts out, until its all empty
leave more marks as you did to my soul

pin me down, love.
look into my eyes as you destroy me, love.
so chaotically beautiful, this chaos we created in our heaven

"are you stupid?" she asked.

she wasn't wrong most of the time. 

"nah. i' just have a strong interest on people like you"

i argued.

"you are indeed, stupid."

23

its that kind of feelings that you can't spit it out from your mouth.
its cold, i feel so cold inside. freezing cold.
i wished to be in santa's naughty list and get some coal to warm myself
i'd spend time in hell just to feel the warmth even for just a little bit

i'm slowly losing my way, but this time, i really don't mind.
to wherever fate takes me, to wherever this goes.
at least its not inside of my head, anywhere but there.
even for just a little bit.

its hard sharing space with a demon so big, it suffocates you
but sometimes i wish we could have a cigarette together
its getting lonely and i got nothing to lose anyway
its no use reaching up, i really don't need anything

my demon didn't ask me to build a wall so high
i guess i'm just too bitter to live
but much of a coward to die too
but nobody's checking.

me and everyone else,
we don't speak the same language no more
we don't walk in the same ground no more
we don't see the same sight no more

i feel freezing.
but maybe i'll get used to it
like i do with anything else that happened

to who it may concern, its not for you

you wore your scar, like the ring of a king
you drove your wrecked ship into the deep
you walk through the dark, like a walk in the park
you had the answer, in people's hesitation

you show your broken wings with pride
a symbol you conquered your demons
you kissed with those sad lips
as you conquered your fears

tell me,
what was the best lie you hear?
who was those tears for?
when did you find yourself?

tell me everything that made you hurt.
show me the scars you hold pride.
welcome me to your arms,
tell me there's no harm.

to whom did your laugh for
to whom did your finger typed for
to whom those hands were kept
from who did you hide

how many if and but did you utter
and how many were answered?
how many did you say leave
and left alone when they did?

i want to know you,
i want to know you,
i want to know you,
in this wicked world,

i want to know you.

goodnight, i love you still.

it was never anyones job to take care of my demons.
it was never anyones job to take care the voices.
it was never anyones job to take care of me
but myself

i have strayed, been strayed for the longest time.
i could not even know who i am right now.
but, i should, don't i?

i would never be mad at the universe
for the things that happened
how could i be?
when she was the universe herself.

i'm not good at writings or about feelings
never said that i'm an expert too
i took a lot from the universe
how will i ever be forgiven?

but in that chaos i created,
i learned how to grow
i learned to cherish once more
i see the light at the end of this tunnel

i was so close, but i let my demons take control of it
and from then on, i start to fall in love with chaos
i yearn for chaos and destruction
i want to destroy, even the one i made.

and how forgiving the universe is,
even after i took her to the edge
she still holds me down and calmed me
the raging fire started to dim

she would wait, wait, and patiently wait
she believed in me that there is more beneath those chaos
she believed that i will come back one day.

and here i am.
trying to put on seeds on top of the things i destroyed.
building brick by brick so it will be firm.
i hope i'm not too late.

i hope you could see
what i sow today
i dedicated all

to you

and only you

my universe.

a tiny fragment from a big universe.

i've had a long conversation with myself, i think thats what made me occupied when i'm alone. maybe thats what triggered me to write again, i need to rant. besides, i made this blog for that purpose. i need to rant.

we all have our demons inside of us, mine would be voices that won't stop talking. the doubts, the paranoia came from that voice. for the longest time i ignored it. i kept it away in a small box inside of me, locked so no one could ever find it.

it worked.
for awhile.

the more i kept it deep down inside, the more louder it became. the voice breaks trough that tiny box. all it wanted was something simple, it needs to be heard. it needs to be acknowledge. but i'm too much of a coward that i'm afraid if i open that box, the demon will jump out and eat me alive. so i denied it, over and over again. i put it inside another box so the chances of it coming out are slimmer.

it went silent.
for awhile

it started to bang even more louder than before, and by that time i'm terrified so i put it inside another box hoping that it'll stop. this time, i put chains and more locks. i wrapped it in a hurry because i'm too afraid to touch the box. maybe this time it'll stop.

it was peaceful.
for awhile

i start to grow weary of it, i start to blame the box for everything i do. its not me! its the box.
time goes by and at first i glanced at it when it made a sound. i proceed to come closer, each week getting closer and closer. finally, i sat right next to it. the closest i've been with the box for awhile.

as days, months, years went by i start to undo all the chains and locks, i put aside all the wrappers, i took it out from the boxes i've thrown it in. i see the last box that i had to open. i waited for more to know what i'm doing is right.

as i opened the box in fear, to my surprise, i saw myself crawling out from the box. it became bigger and quickly grown to my size. i saw myself, in the way i hated. but the longer i stare, the longer i know that its me. i know that is myself i shunned for years.

we stood face to face for quite sometime, we stood there in silence.
i was trembling in fear but i still stood there. i looked at the demon's face and just know, it wants to be heard, it wants to be acknowledge.

and so i did.
by the time i'm wrote this, i'm not fully in terms with my demon, but i know that its there, and it lives within me since the very beginning of my time here. i'm learning to coexist with it as i am a human with flaws. maybe one day, we'll become one without any of us trying to hurt each other.

enough is enough.

-----------------



i question myself a lot
be it about life, love, or maybe why the sky is blue
but today, i asked myself
whats my purpose in life before i bid adieu

i don't have a past to be proud of
nor a shiny trophy or anything you can name
do i hate myself for it? maybe i do
maybe this whole time i'm the one to blame

but today, i surrender,
in the mighty arms of the universe
to take me wherever she grants
for i am small and insignificant in her eyes

i want to put all of my worries and doubts
all the painful past
all the clouded thoughts
all of my being.

for i am yours, universe,
i am sorry i have wandered too far
i want to come home
and be with you, once and for all.

phone notes, left forgotten needs their shine

relevance

do i believe in love?

i did.

"did?" you asked?

yes.

like a flower once bloomed

it has now withered

unbothered

dead

if love supposed to be eternal

its pretty easy to replace

it seemed magical

but it left without a trace

love is replaceable,

or at least thats what i know

love is temporary,

or at least thats what i saw

i believed in love

i don’t think i’ll believe in it

once more.

///

is there anything thats right

when theres nothing left?

what about the feelings thats died

and left to be forgotten?

is there anything to look up

when i’m down here?

what about the promises that made

and left to be broken?

is there someone else

when i’m here all by myself self?

will i find my happiness

even here in this darkness?

is there any way to be okay

even after i throw everything away?

the path that i chose is the path i want

alone and content - well maybe not today.

but amidst all chaos,

and the order i disturbed.

i can clearly see myself

and for the last time,

i’ll save myself once more.

the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

if i could count my blessing, i'd count you twice.

my heart feels pink,
i have trouble breathing,
i don't understand why
because really, i shouldn't

music seems louder
the thrill was real
the euphoric episodes
its more than drugs

i could feel my heart beating,
my brain exploding
the thought of you
intoxicates me

your face, skin, head to toe.
your touch travel to my veins
in the most painfully beautiful way
you're in my system seducing me

i see color in darkness
my teeth grinding
you got my soul singing
wanting more

addicted.
and i'm finally addicted
to the smiles like in those pills
to the smile in my face

but i don't mind
even when the crash strikes
it was worth it
i guess you're what they call dangerous

and it made me want you more.

how?

the most purest smile
eyes like the ocean
sweet soft touch on the bare skin

she reads my goosebumps
like the blind read braille
every inch it trails

how
how
how

you ran away from nothing to begin with but i'm still sad

i want to dance with the devil
with the sounds from these walls
the sound of regrets, tears and fears
intoxicated with our own selfishness

we had nothing to lose
but we lost it anyways
we had nothing to wait
but grew tired of it anyways

we werent drunk enough
to made us want each other
we weren't looking for anything
but we missed it anyways

or

did we want each other enough
to made us drunk
to love me with no hesitation
and trust me without question

2017.

2017 was a hell of roller-coaster,
i had my ups and downs.
i owned a cat,
i lost the cat,
i own a dog,
i named her after a food,
breaking down,
being lost,
having panic attacks,
crying and isolating myself,
feeling happy,
i got found,
on my highs,
when i'm high,
being in a relationship,
getting out of a relationship,
being in one but you're not,
hiding,
fucking,
being alive,
being dead,
being almost literally dead.

i'm grateful with all that has happened, it was sure hell of a ride. i found what i love to do, my life is still a mess, but at least now i know what i want in life. i did the things i thought in a thousand years would never do. i found another part of myself that i was never aware of. it wasn't all rainbows but its all beautiful.
but no matter i loved it...
i think i'll have to skip the next ride.

happy new year!

show me your world, i got tired seeing mine

tell me how you have your gazed fixated over something
how'd you would just sit there and stare
and get lost despite all the things has happened

tell me how your laugh is contagious
how did you do that
with that sad eyes of yours

tell me why are you so warm
when you touched my face
with that cold personality of yours

tell me why are you so calming
with your words
and all the complex things you said

tell me howd you do it
how you are aware of everything
yet they're not about you

how do you keep yourself calm
with all of the chaos
happening right in front of your eyes

tell me what do you see
in this grey world
that you find colorful

i want to know.

smoke in my head

hey..
how do you tell 
if someone loves you? 
how do you tell them 
even when they said 
so it wouldnt go through my thick skull of insecurities? 

how do you tell them that 
i'm drowning in anxiousness 
and worries? 
how do you tell them 
that i'm suffocating with 
depression and i couldn't even breathe fine? 

how do you tell them that 
my head is constantly hearing 
ticks and tocks, self doubt and hate?
how do i reach out through all of these voices that echoes? 
i cant see myself anymore but can you? 

i can feel myself slowly dying. 
how do you apologize that 
if we met sooner i wouldn't be this fucked up 
and a mess in front of you? 

how do i tell you that i want you too?

2:22

x/x/1x

I like being alone,

Watching people pass by

Completely unaware of my existence

I like being alone, 

A time for myself

With books and tea; my only company

I like being alone, 

I can write wherever

The only reader is myself only

I like being alone,

The sound of nothing

But my fingers tapping the table

I like being alone,

I don’t have to care

Only me and my self

I like being alone,

I can only hurt myself

And not anyone else.

have yourself a very little christmas

its christmas, and it doesn't actually change much. i'm still the old me. there's nothing merry where i am, really, but maybe its just me being bitter. my chest still hurts and the sound in my head didn't go away. the only good thing is i finally accept that the voices are part of me after all this year. now i wont say much because i don't really have much to talk about, but i've been looking back and much has happened, all the bad things i'll leave behind and all the good things kept safe in my head.

lately, i've came into terms with my demons inside me, they've been behaving although at times they would go ape-shit on me. its fine, everything takes time. it will also take time to take the leash off of my neck. there will be bruises afterwards, but, time would heal the scars and the hole people left behind, and if it doesn't then its not the time yet. its a bad day, not a bad life i always said to myself.

but no matter what, my life is as dim as the lights tonight and in any second it would go off.
i should seek professional help, but at this point, telling whats inside my head to people would mean nothing. so this christmas i promised myself to write until i couldn't anymore. physically. when the day comes, no one should blame anyone, its just how things go.

its how i should go.

merry christmas, lads.

bundle of rants from places i am too ashamed to tell where i found it

if tonight i die

will you still smile to me like yesterday?

if tonight i die

will you re-assure me you'll be okay?

if tonight i die

will you hold my hand until its time to let go?

if i die tonight

i wont ask much for today

i just want you to know, i will be okay.

---

i need you to tell me that i am good
this manipulative and destructive skin
but deep down inside i'm good
help me999999999

---

you look like someone who would ruin my life 
and run me over with a truck over and over again
but i'd be fine with it

also,

you look like someone who could love me
nonetheless i'm a mess
and be fine with it.

lets stay alive.

---

the night was livelier than usual

but why do i

feel alone

why do i

have to hold back

the tears

why do i

have no reason

to cry

its nice to have something

to motivates and keeping me alive

but

the urge kept getting stronger

im sorry

---

the joy of living

keeps decreasing

you could hear

death teasing

there are days that im fine

where i feel normal like others

but in an instant

i could feel the sun no longer shine

as i'm typing i feel my head pounding

the image of dying comes close

offering painless paradise

leaving all hell behind

i wish people would take me seriously

i am growing tired on this silent battle

i feel so little

maybe when i'm gone, you'll understand i'm troubled

---

(i cut the first half because.)

love is not an olympic, its not a race. there's a start but hopefully no end.

love is also not about winning.

love is what makes you feel you, they would accept the part where we would be in our worst condition.

the best of me is the worst of me and vice versa. 

we wouldn't be the same as we once met. 

comfort grew and loving new side will follow too. 

love is love.

you are the good in life

have you ever noticed that people loves you when you're dead
but treat you like you're dead when you're alive?

have you ever noticed that people are dying in front of others
but they would say "nobody would ever see this coming"?

being dismissed, telling that its just an overreaction
the voices aren't there,
you're making things up,
and for me, being dead is another temptation.

head pounding, chest beating is a sign of distraction.
being told i'm not living my life to their expectation
when i'm here barely holding on.
i didn't ask for this, i'm sorry.


but not you,
you were the good in life.

the fresh air in this polluted life
the only thing that made sense
you are the good in life.

the only thing i look forward to
even if for an hour or two
you are the good in life.

hugs to made to calm
kisses made to get me out from this realm.

you made everything s little bit better in my bitter life,
you were there by my side,
you hated seeing me cry because it makes you sad,
you'd kiss the pain away and hug me in my sleep.
we'd snuck out like how a teen would,
we'd go on joyrides and exchange kisses,
you'd mutter how much you love me
in my breakdowns while i'm trembling and covered in tears.
even until today, you'd hug me tighter than before.
we'd be in the dark and i wont be afraid,
cause i know, you're there to be my light.

you are the good
in my life.

a word with myself

i was looking through my pictures and i cant help but visiting the past
as i continue to scroll, i only question myself wether it was real or not
i looked okay, but i know i wasn't

i remember we wanted to rule the world
but that dream left us both out in the cold
what a shame, i scold

were we in love? the thoughts were on repeat
looking for answers that wasn't there to seek
holy shit ass cheeks!

i have problem focusing, you know that
i'm sorry for not listening, that was my bad
i was too busy looking for the love i should've had

hey, i'm smiling in this picture
bet you don't know what will happen in the future
what a naive little dreamer

listen up and listen closely
its okay to be broken and lonely
its life to be sad and happy

you had your heart broken once
twice, or three times more thats life
its okay, because you survived