christmas night wasn't that merry for me

" you will have everything you desire but it will have a price."

a soul? life?

"no, regret."

i'm making a deal with you, his representative and you're talking to me. if i give up something, i receive something. i know how this works.

"go on. i know yours wont be selfish."

by now you should know, no souls matters to trade.

"behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine: the soul who sins shall die."

i am never alive, you want something else. it is never easy talking to you.


"you're a smart one, i'm trading for regrets. for what awaits you then, you already know."


the future is never sure, for now leave me alone.


"are you sure?"


i am. go on, be gone. before that, i never catch your name. i couldn't care less how you find me.


"people who reads knows me as memphistopheles."


i have a feeling i'd meet you soon, after i talked to them.
but thank you, maybe next time i'll serve beside you again.
 

and by that, i was alone again. christmas did took an unexpected turn for me.

it was sugar and spice, but not everything was nice

he was 13 at the time
he wanted a playstation
so he wont feel that lonely

he was 14 at the time
he wanted new shoes
so he could run faster

he was 15 at the time
he wanted a new shirt
so people know its his day

he was 16 at the time
he wished to be happy
so he knows how to be grateful

he was 17 at the time
he wished for time of his own
so he knows he is loved

he was 18 at the time
he wished for hard liquor
so he can forget that day

he was 19 at the time
he wished to be remembered
so he knows that he's alive

he was 20 at the time
he wished to be okay
since none of he wanted ever came true

he is 21 today
he didn't wish anything
because he know it was just another day

happy birthday.

a reminder for myself about loving and keeping my head low

as you have splinters on your fingers because of paper cuts
not because of trying to hurt yourself
you know she is the one

as you cry the night of feeling lonely
not because of the heartache
you know she is the one

as you sing and a face shows every rhythm hits
not just an earworm that bugs you
you know she is the one

as you are al night writing for one soul only
not for essays or paperwork
you know she is the one

as you are going places and it felt nostalgic
not because the place is nice
you know she is the one

as you are driving and missing someone to talk to
not just hearing people talk over the radio
you know she is the one

as you know you're alive
not wandering around
you know she is the life

things will get hard,
and i know you wrote on your whiteboard
a little reminder for yourself that this will all be payed
with the countless laughter and the night you'll end your day with

things will get hard,
and you'll feel you've been pushed over you limit
but know now, you are capable of doing things you never imagined doing
all the impossibilities you know are just another task you knew

things will get hard,
and you'll feel its the end of everything you know
but i'm reminding you it will be harder living life without the person
who thought you how yo be alive

i am here to remind you
to be grateful,
to be thankful,
to be enough,
to be tough.

things will get hard,
and i am here once more to remind you,
everything will pay off once you see her in person
all your efforts will soon be payed with a simple smile from her.

dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.

 

crumpled wet piece of paper

everything is greyer. even if its sunny.
everything is louder. even when its quite.
everything is slow. even when you're running.
everything is heavy. even without any clothes on.
everything is a mess. even you cleaned everything.

i feel suffocated. but there's too much space.
i feel tired. but i've been in bed all day.
i feel sad. but everyone is so happy.

but thats not the problem.
nobody notice anything.

whatever happened to those people who said "silent screams screams the loudest"

everyone is deaf and i'm starting to lose my voice

i guess none of us will know what the future hold for tomorrow

if i give you my freedom
will you hold it
is as if its your world?

if i give you my everything
out from nothing
will you see it as whole?

if i do the impossible
against the odds
will you still see me as a human?

if i took an arrow to the knee
will you pick me up
and walk by my side?

if i give you two keys
with you knowing fully what lies
which will you open for me?

if i give you all the things
that you never seen before

will you still seek what you lost?

dear anyone who reads this,
this is another of your daily dose of nonsense. i promise- no, i'll try not to be this sappy later on. cause i can't promise you anything. i tried not to, but the more i tried
the more tissues, pieces of papers, sometimes even my hand is filled with my writings.
i guess its the distance, the things that happened, or maybe its just me being me, need somewhere to rant.
either way, i am sorry.

dear you,
i am writing this out of the blue, amidst people shouting and screaming.
at times, i continue when i'm in a moving car.
it has been bothering me for awhile, and i cant seem to spit it out.
a lot has happened and i guess a lot will happen more.
i hope you'll stay.

but in the end, i would want you to know

you are my every reason the things i do and i want to do

i guess i already said you this, but i will say this again:

you are both my salvation and my destruction at the same time. i am certain that in the end i'll be breathing or dead because of you.








and that is exactly what i want you to do to me.

one made love to my body and one made love to my soul

unraveled clothes

i love you

 sharing heat

i love you so much 

gentle movements

i love you so much it's unreal

 muffled moans

i love you so much i am questioning myself

 racing breathes

i shouldn't be loving someone this much

 screams of pleasures

nevertheless,i love you.

shivering flesh

all warriors knows memento mori, but i didn't get the memo

did i mention to you, i have a habit where i like to write on tissue paper? well, this is one of them. i wrote this a while ago when i was still in between the line of being alive and dying. i had this constant nightmare where when i wake up, it would just be darkness. as time went by, i gave in, accepting fate for what might happen.

all people has their future, of course, including me. difference is, mine is already written. i envy those people who has full powers of what they have. now, moving on. i have been telling you i have roamed in this purgatory for quite awhile, no? i lived a long life, but, alas, in a short time. if one day, if  i am here, beside you and the next day i'm nowhere to be found. don't panic, its as simple as i went home first before any of you did.

joy ride sometimes isn't so joyful when it's past 2 in the morning

rain was pouring, even so, he rolled down his window half-way so his cigarette's smoke can find it's way out from his old car. it was night time, or was it dusk, he can't really tell since there is no digital clock in his rusty car and just his luck, he wasn't wearing his watch that day. it was only him, his pack of cigarette and his phone that he didn't bother to touch. he doesn't have any destination to begin with. he doesn't mind, since driving was one of his favourite thing to do. he couldn't even remember what he was doing. he was lost in his own thought thanks to the red light that takes forever to turn green.

"flowers! flowers, sir?" asked a young lad, holding a bouquet of flowers.

a voice startled him, pulling him back to reality. the lad was wearing raincoat. he noticed that the flowers weren't fresh, both indicated that the lad was here for quite awhile and there wasn't much people bought his flower today.

"flowers, huh? it has been awhile since i actually bought one, funny, the last time i bought it was from around here too." he said to himself.

he smiled and raised his hand, a gesture that he's declining the young lad's offer for the flower. the lad smiled and went away along with his flowers. as the young lad proceed to another car behind him, he was once again, drown in his thoughts. this time, he was remembering something. something about flowers had something to do with the past; the flower, was a token from the past.

looking at the flower, it made flashes of images. images that he didn't want to remember just barge in without knocking. at first, it was just a silhouette, then, it formed to a girl's silhouette, then it moves, with a really familiar gesture, the silhouette was dancing inside his head. it was like, it has its own soul inside his head. as the image went vivid, it suddenly faded due to the honking from the car behind. he let a small sigh of relief.

the light was green.

he continued to wander aimlessly, until he stopped in the middle of a fly-over, it was pretty empty since it was night time. he climbed his rooftop car to sit and proceed to light his cigarette once more. this time, he realised he had been smoking a little bit too much. he doesn't know whether he's addicted to smoking, the cold weather, or he was just filling his empty insides. remind him to apologise to the road cause he littered a little bit too much. noticing his thought is consuming him, he shrugged in disdain still not in the mood for any company - even if, it was from his own thought. his eyes were watery, his heart beats from largo to prestissimo.

his phone was buzzing.

why is it buzzing at this ungodly hour?

distraught, he began to reach his right pocket.

he always put his phone on his left pocket, he mainly uses his left hand for almost everything; he's right handed and not ambidextrous, besides, he cannot write with his left hand, he doesn't know either how that happened. it didn't matter for him. maybe, it's his way so he won't bother to even touch his phone. since, its the last thing on the earth that he wants to see. but in the end, his way did not avail.

"PACK YOUR STUFF, DIMWIT" 

it was his reminder, he has a unique way of reminding himself. the caps-lock was on for a reason there.

he sighed, quickly he locked his phone. he put his phone beside him this time, not inside his pocket. he felt that there was a severe pain from his chest. it was not the kind of pain that his body is failing on him - nor it was because he smoked to much. he was lonely. he was in dire need to see the girl in his head, for the last time. he was heart-broken

he picked up his phone.

opening it.

locking it again.

and opening it again.

he decided not to lock his phone this time. he was looking at his phone whilst he began opening his gallery of photos; reluctantly. he closed the gallery and continues to open his messenger. he scrolled and scrolled till he found a name. a name that made his heart beat. but also a name who beats his heart. should he? should he be doing this? he was staring a little bit too long, all that left of his cigarette was its butt.

he couldn't take it. he dissolved and became one with the rain. the streets were quite as ever, was darker than ever. but his head? it was chaos. he wanted to shout, but his head was louder. his blood pressure was rushing in barry allen speed. then his finger slowly began to dance on top of his phone with lots of clicking sounds were made. a swoosh came from his phone, and an echoed click indicating he locked his phone again.

he reached out to his pack of cigarette and light it up again.

he didn't know what he's doing, he never know about anything.

one thing he knows, he loved the colour green.

and he thought to himself, this is where everything is supposed to become greener.

a few hundred micrograms

i want you to put me on your tongue 

and i will dissolve and you will taste the stars in your mouth

i want you to touch my skin; feel my flesh 

and trace every parts till you find my long lost soul

i want you to be disorientated with everything

and having trouble figuring out whether to kiss me or admire me

tell me your favourite colours and i'll be as lovely as a lavender dress 

as it spun under the beaming sun

tell me what you fear, what you are terrified of
and i'll show you the devil inside me will protect you

tell me everything that you want to be 

and we'll be everything above anything

i want the time to stop ticking 

because a minute are a bunch of shy sixty and it moves pretty swiftly

i want to stop and see how the moon moved to your eyes reversedly

yet it still glows when you are standing amidst sea of people

i want to show you the unknown so you know how far

this feeling pushed to the other side

i want you to know that what i intended to kill
actually kills me without me knowing

pieces of my writings that i randomly found, awhile ago.

the other side of the moon isn't so dark for you

for all that has happened in this past few years, i never could actually recall what has happened. it's like, i've been in auto-pilot mode for most of the times. oh indeed, its frustrating. so most of the time i cry myself to sleep, or at times, i would just exhaust myself in hopes that i might wake up in an asylum for my daily medication. now, don't worry, i am not sad, i am just -- overwhelmed. if these wall can talk, i'd bet they'd be screaming at me asking for me to apologise for all the blood stains from time to time.

as i continue being a parasite in this world, i noticed that not only the sturdy wall began to crack, also my consciousness. it crumbles every time the doubt comes knocking in. the line between reality and fantasies began to fade. spazzing, morphing, shaking, disorientated. the showering questions about what is real and what is not keeps on repeating, it kept going on, like a broken radio searching for tune. these hands are busy covering my head while it was already covered with splinters. every now and then i can hear the muffled screams from the insides that will ache any soul who ever dares to listen to it.

little by little, i stopped myself from growing, cut all the things i loved, stoop to the lowest level. i became someone who i never knew before. at first, i thought, i was alive. succumbing into any substances, to any person i came across with. but just with a blink of an eye, everything falls into tiny little pieces in front of my eye. i am back to square one where i am lost, i am just another cog in the machine just to blend in and interact with these people who doesn't know anything.

time passed, i was wandering aimlessly and for the love of god, and the cruelty of the universe's joke, i stumbled upon her. which till this day, i can't put my fingers whether i found her, or the other way around. like a black sand magnet, i was drowning to her force. this time, i wasn't even trying to escape. i wasn't struggling. for once, i let the world took control over this slab of meat. not knowing or fearing whatever lies next.

first, i noticed that she was covered nice clothes, showered with affections everywhere and here i am, standing, covered with scars and there is nothing beautiful about. i tried my best to keep it hidden from the outside world, from her, in hopes that only me and god knows such things exists here, in my body. besides, nobody wants a wreck, right? everyone has their own mess to deal with. hence, i never show anything to anyone; especially to her.

as we let time freely roams, i sank and float. till i began to drown deeper. automatically, i tried my best to hid every scar that i have, in hopes she'll see me as a person, a functioning human being. not as a monstrous being who walks in daylight and lurks in the dark. it went well for quite sometime. but, cursed my mouth, it wont stop spilling the horrid truth of my being. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

it all started when i was with her. embracing each other's heat and she accidentally touched my scars. before i could jerk away from her, she managed to slid the shirt i wore of off me. and there i was, i stood in front of her; bare, nothing to hide and was vulnerable. she starts to trace from the most visible ones till the ones you have to squint your eyes.i held my breathe hoping for the worst to come. but instead, she starts to kiss and telling me it was nothing.

night after i was in my room, i couldn't stop thinking what happened the other day. i needed somewhere to rant, so i did. it came into my surprise that my phone dinged, notifying that i have received a new message. it caught me off guard, the whole conversation break down my walls and me being on my knees. after awhile for being dead, i learned how to breath. i was no longer a monster. i was a human and i felt alive.

---------


"are you okay? i saw your post earlier, i'm mildly concerned."

"i am ok. i was just thinking what happened, what you saw."

"if kissing your scars and telling you you're beautiful aren't convincing enough for you, then tell me how"

"thank you, though."

"why should you be thanking me when i do things that make myself happy? i like you that much..

..it goes without saying i accept you and your scares. literal and metaphorical scars."

and by that, she was one of the rare kind ones to see me as whole.

a bond made by clouds of cigarettes' smoke

burnt cigarettes, laughter after hours
who would've known, in this life of ours
we would meet in the most ungodly hours
laughing and having the most twisted humours

deep secrets, buried down under
making every people wonder
when we just smirk and get it over
and clink while we laugh a little harder

heart ache, souls that breaks
hurting for other people's sake
giving everything there is to take
knowing for sure nothing is fake

a bond, red strings tied
leaving behind anything who lied
walking side by side looking souls equally tired
sipping coffees till none of us gets exhausted

for a friend, not a slab of meat
let us rule till the world be at our feet
till our bodies beat
and till the death comes to greet

they say i should be thankful, and so i will be.

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you finally found sanctuary and knowing nothing will hurt you?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you stop worrying about what will come after this very moment?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you get dressed up in fancy clothes and sleeping in a comfy bed?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you easily stop thinking what you don't need to think about?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you close your eyes and not fearing what will grab you in the dark?

and, when you're dead,
do you forget about everything when you were still breathing?

well, i guess i am pretty much alive  then.

sribbles on a piece of tissue

a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.

take a peek through the cracks of my walls to see what lies inside

"you know, i don't know what's worst. you crying alone or you're making his death as an excuse."

i hear a familiar voice echoes as i am washing my face.

"i know you, you can't lie. i've been watching you crying these past few nights. i didn't expect this night would be bloody."

i didn't even bother, i dried my face and looked for aspirins and first aid kit.

"it's inside the cupboard, you always put it there. incase something happens; something like this."

there was a long pause, none of us move from where we are.

"i'm guessing this will be a long night, huh? this will be fun." 

i stood there, looking sharply at the mirror.

"you should stop, you know? i'm just stating the obvious here. i don't want you to die"

i would shout, but i don't want to wake the neighbours.

i heard chuckles.

"aren't you tired? look at you, every night. you're a mess, scattered, train-wreck. heck! a wreck."

i clenched my fist, struggling in control.

"you were happy, you were--"

the voice stopped only for the sound of shattered mirror fills the room.
i cant control my tears from falling, let alone the blood dripping from my wrist and my fist.

i left the bathroom and immediately look for the aspirins.
i took the aspirin and closed my eyes.

both are to be swallowed and leave a bad taste in my mouth.


i guess i should've listen to myself more.

for a place so ugly, you made it lovely

the fact that earth is just another purgatory has never been the main reason for me not to like this place. it's just another reason for me to put on the list. earth and i was never in the same box to begin with, and for the longest time i can remember, i really want to leave this place. i love the idea of escaping this realm. truth is, i'm still here. throughout the year, my misfitted soul surely got the hang of it. but, a misfit will always be a misfit.

i was stuck in that idea, until of course, i met a girl.
before i continue, you probably should've guessed from the title above, yes? it is about a girl. now there, please don't get me wrong about this. i have met a lot of girls; tons of them if you want me to accumulate their weight. some as friends, some were my significant other, some were just never had a good ending. heck, some even ended up as empty hook-ups.

moving on, just like any other blog i've ever stumbled upon, they would write about poems, essays, rants and they write a post or two about someone they hold dear to. someone who has a special place somewhere deep inside them. thus, i dedicate this post for her; who i hold dear the most.

i am a bad writer to say the least; at least in the most conventional sense. i am sorry, you, please don't get your hopes up for a deep meaningful writing. then again, it's just me, ranting.

i will tell you about her, she's just like any other girls out there, she has her bad hair days, she does her make up, she dresses up, she sprays on her perfume, she has her breakdowns, she's your tumblr-esque girl; she's just like any other girl out there. but what she has and what any other girls out there doesn't have is her quirks. one of her idiosyncrasy was always having those peculiar quirks.

speaking about quirks. to be really frank, my dear friend. i would never understand her. i would never understand why she hates the sun, yet every morning she bathes in it. i would never understand how she hates unpleasant smell, yet every morning she would kiss me despite my morning breath. i would never understand when she said she doesn't understand love, yet she was the one who showed me everything that a book can't provide.

you see, i didn't understand the slightest bit of her actions, of her words, some left me questioning myself at night. for someone who claims to hate, she sure made the fun out of it. it is confusing, really. for she would never fit my logic. i claimed to hate this world and despise it nevertheless could never see how to make the full out of this.

until i saw her, amidst the radiating heat from the sun and cars spitting carbon dioxide; she smiled.
for the first time ever, i whispered to the sky above that and wished to stay a little bit longer in this place.

i stood with a hello amidst of thousand words, wondering where to begin.

ah yes, finally a blog. after years of losing a great amount of notes, endless warning on my phone due to the insufficient memories to save my writings and papers i scribbled on ended up nowhere to be near me. i had made to the point where i gave up on losing my writings and surrendered to the almighty internet. so, i decided to make a blog. and yes, like any other people in this platform would do: they do a self-introduction.

now now, don't take me the wrong way. i had a blog before; long before i made this one. yes, i was once too, a millennial kid. hence, i think i have a pretty clear grasp of how things works here. i would love to tell what was my previous blog about, and why did i deactivate it in the first place, but, it would take a whole space to explain why did i do such immature action. so, every time someone asked what happened to my blog, i'd gave them a nonchalant reply that "my lump of fur ball ate it."

long story short - to reduce the nonsense i will spit in this blog. this lovely platform that you are accessing will be filled with my thoughts about everything and anything. let that be scribbles, poems, rants, essays, you name it. you have been warned in advance, dear you. i salute you who has the guts and patience to cope up with even lord doesn't know what horrific writings will i write here.

so i will end this introduction with:

HELLO.