dont wander around too far, you'll get lost alone.

you should be happy!
you don't need to wake up 3 in the morning to talk.
you can have your sleep just like you use to do.

you should be happy!
you don't have to hit your head if you said something stupid.
you no longer have those bruises you have to hide.

you should be happy!
you can put yourself first again than others.
you usually do that in order to avoid heartbreaks.

you should be happy!
you now can find your own happiness.
you don't have to make anyone happy to make yourself happy.

you should be happy!
you no longer aim your fist at the dry wall.
you can hang pictures or write with that hand.

you should be happy!
you can hang out more with your friends.
you no longer have to check the time and doing simple math when you do so.

you should be happy!
you can be on your game without having to leave the game early.
you now can have those winning streaks you love.

you should be happ--

i stopped you there as i'm starting to pick what's left of me.

i know how to be happy and none of those matters anymore.

i know i dont need you to come here.

i know what i need.

let me, for now, walk alone and be broken as i figure myself of who i am once more.

one points at you, three at me and one to remind me where do i stand

people talking. i should stop my bad habit of eaves dropping. its not my fault, i have two functioning ears. the more i listen, the thought of having a normal life urges. no, it's not that my life is not normal, its kind of hard to explain. according to wikipedia, normal is to have a functional body in which i am. but to tell you the truth, i think as the time grows the meaning has changed.

normal. is. a. dirty. word.

i am writing as the rain drops, the smell of cigarettes lingers and the rush of my sugar intake is kicking in. or maybe i'm just finding something to blame when i feel disoriented. then again, haven't i always?

lets talk about being horrible shall we? i am a one horrible friend or a human being. i am horrible in general, not the best human too. using and abusing mentally are just few of many to what i did to them. no i dont feel bad about doing so, more to, i feel lost. the more i spit lies, the more i am confused of who i am, really. at one point i lied too much, i mixed up of who i am in front of my friends. 

am i fun and out going one, or did i portayed as the silent one to this person?

again, one of many questions i ask to myself when i'm around people. and now, i guess i'm too far from where i start and i'm lost. i wish i know how to be me. i wish i know how to function. i wish i know how to be normal. if i can count how many people i've hurt i'd still wouldn't be able to do so. maybe in the future i'll tell about this blog to public, maybe and just maybe, in hopes (even though this is stupid) anyone who knows me, stumbled upon this writing of mine, knows how sorry i am.

this is an apology to those that i never tell the truth. this is an apology to those i have misused. this is an apology to those that i have hurt. this is me, apologizing for being unaware and think too highly of myself and inflicting chaos here and there.

i wish i know how to atone my wrongdoings and fix every single bits and pieces of the things i broke and failed to mend. i am not hoping much, but know this is a desperate plead after looking back to the things i left behind; like a child who left his toys unused scattered on the ground leaving mess around the house.

i am sorry, you. i have caused too much.

 

crumpled wet piece of paper

everything is greyer. even if its sunny.
everything is louder. even when its quite.
everything is slow. even when you're running.
everything is heavy. even without any clothes on.
everything is a mess. even you cleaned everything.

i feel suffocated. but there's too much space.
i feel tired. but i've been in bed all day.
i feel sad. but everyone is so happy.

but thats not the problem.
nobody notice anything.

whatever happened to those people who said "silent screams screams the loudest"

everyone is deaf and i'm starting to lose my voice