"are you stupid?" she asked.

she wasn't wrong most of the time. 

"nah. i' just have a strong interest on people like you"

i argued.

"you are indeed, stupid."

23

its that kind of feelings that you can't spit it out from your mouth.
its cold, i feel so cold inside. freezing cold.
i wished to be in santa's naughty list and get some coal to warm myself
i'd spend time in hell just to feel the warmth even for just a little bit

i'm slowly losing my way, but this time, i really don't mind.
to wherever fate takes me, to wherever this goes.
at least its not inside of my head, anywhere but there.
even for just a little bit.

its hard sharing space with a demon so big, it suffocates you
but sometimes i wish we could have a cigarette together
its getting lonely and i got nothing to lose anyway
its no use reaching up, i really don't need anything

my demon didn't ask me to build a wall so high
i guess i'm just too bitter to live
but much of a coward to die too
but nobody's checking.

me and everyone else,
we don't speak the same language no more
we don't walk in the same ground no more
we don't see the same sight no more

i feel freezing.
but maybe i'll get used to it
like i do with anything else that happened

to who it may concern, its not for you

you wore your scar, like the ring of a king
you drove your wrecked ship into the deep
you walk through the dark, like a walk in the park
you had the answer, in people's hesitation

you show your broken wings with pride
a symbol you conquered your demons
you kissed with those sad lips
as you conquered your fears

tell me,
what was the best lie you hear?
who was those tears for?
when did you find yourself?

tell me everything that made you hurt.
show me the scars you hold pride.
welcome me to your arms,
tell me there's no harm.

to whom did your laugh for
to whom did your finger typed for
to whom those hands were kept
from who did you hide

how many if and but did you utter
and how many were answered?
how many did you say leave
and left alone when they did?

i want to know you,
i want to know you,
i want to know you,
in this wicked world,

i want to know you.

goodnight, i love you still.

it was never anyones job to take care of my demons.
it was never anyones job to take care the voices.
it was never anyones job to take care of me
but myself

i have strayed, been strayed for the longest time.
i could not even know who i am right now.
but, i should, don't i?

i would never be mad at the universe
for the things that happened
how could i be?
when she was the universe herself.

i'm not good at writings or about feelings
never said that i'm an expert too
i took a lot from the universe
how will i ever be forgiven?

but in that chaos i created,
i learned how to grow
i learned to cherish once more
i see the light at the end of this tunnel

i was so close, but i let my demons take control of it
and from then on, i start to fall in love with chaos
i yearn for chaos and destruction
i want to destroy, even the one i made.

and how forgiving the universe is,
even after i took her to the edge
she still holds me down and calmed me
the raging fire started to dim

she would wait, wait, and patiently wait
she believed in me that there is more beneath those chaos
she believed that i will come back one day.

and here i am.
trying to put on seeds on top of the things i destroyed.
building brick by brick so it will be firm.
i hope i'm not too late.

i hope you could see
what i sow today
i dedicated all

to you

and only you

my universe.

a tiny fragment from a big universe.

i've had a long conversation with myself, i think thats what made me occupied when i'm alone. maybe thats what triggered me to write again, i need to rant. besides, i made this blog for that purpose. i need to rant.

we all have our demons inside of us, mine would be voices that won't stop talking. the doubts, the paranoia came from that voice. for the longest time i ignored it. i kept it away in a small box inside of me, locked so no one could ever find it.

it worked.
for awhile.

the more i kept it deep down inside, the more louder it became. the voice breaks trough that tiny box. all it wanted was something simple, it needs to be heard. it needs to be acknowledge. but i'm too much of a coward that i'm afraid if i open that box, the demon will jump out and eat me alive. so i denied it, over and over again. i put it inside another box so the chances of it coming out are slimmer.

it went silent.
for awhile

it started to bang even more louder than before, and by that time i'm terrified so i put it inside another box hoping that it'll stop. this time, i put chains and more locks. i wrapped it in a hurry because i'm too afraid to touch the box. maybe this time it'll stop.

it was peaceful.
for awhile

i start to grow weary of it, i start to blame the box for everything i do. its not me! its the box.
time goes by and at first i glanced at it when it made a sound. i proceed to come closer, each week getting closer and closer. finally, i sat right next to it. the closest i've been with the box for awhile.

as days, months, years went by i start to undo all the chains and locks, i put aside all the wrappers, i took it out from the boxes i've thrown it in. i see the last box that i had to open. i waited for more to know what i'm doing is right.

as i opened the box in fear, to my surprise, i saw myself crawling out from the box. it became bigger and quickly grown to my size. i saw myself, in the way i hated. but the longer i stare, the longer i know that its me. i know that is myself i shunned for years.

we stood face to face for quite sometime, we stood there in silence.
i was trembling in fear but i still stood there. i looked at the demon's face and just know, it wants to be heard, it wants to be acknowledge.

and so i did.
by the time i'm wrote this, i'm not fully in terms with my demon, but i know that its there, and it lives within me since the very beginning of my time here. i'm learning to coexist with it as i am a human with flaws. maybe one day, we'll become one without any of us trying to hurt each other.

enough is enough.

-----------------



i question myself a lot
be it about life, love, or maybe why the sky is blue
but today, i asked myself
whats my purpose in life before i bid adieu

i don't have a past to be proud of
nor a shiny trophy or anything you can name
do i hate myself for it? maybe i do
maybe this whole time i'm the one to blame

but today, i surrender,
in the mighty arms of the universe
to take me wherever she grants
for i am small and insignificant in her eyes

i want to put all of my worries and doubts
all the painful past
all the clouded thoughts
all of my being.

for i am yours, universe,
i am sorry i have wandered too far
i want to come home
and be with you, once and for all.

phone notes, left forgotten needs their shine

relevance

do i believe in love?

i did.

"did?" you asked?

yes.

like a flower once bloomed

it has now withered

unbothered

dead

if love supposed to be eternal

its pretty easy to replace

it seemed magical

but it left without a trace

love is replaceable,

or at least thats what i know

love is temporary,

or at least thats what i saw

i believed in love

i don’t think i’ll believe in it

once more.

///

is there anything thats right

when theres nothing left?

what about the feelings thats died

and left to be forgotten?

is there anything to look up

when i’m down here?

what about the promises that made

and left to be broken?

is there someone else

when i’m here all by myself self?

will i find my happiness

even here in this darkness?

is there any way to be okay

even after i throw everything away?

the path that i chose is the path i want

alone and content - well maybe not today.

but amidst all chaos,

and the order i disturbed.

i can clearly see myself

and for the last time,

i’ll save myself once more.

the long awaited order has yet to come. the damaged, forgotten, and the abandoned.

in the absence of order, there, you will find chaos.
formless, and unchanging absolute.
yet, we know when chaos has arrived.
it exist in you, so it exist in me.

i am my own chaos,
like typhoons blew village to ruins,
armies succumb to the desperation of defeat,
a mother who grieve, with a great sense of loss.

in my hands, i cradle the sphere of chaos
fuelled by caused and causing
standing on the ridge of time
uncertain what chaos i create next

in my mind, i imagine chaos
with poetry, knowledge, and death
i made chaos as beautiful
destructive as possible

i have destroyed myself, my surroundings.
took every order and made chaos as i go
witnessing every bridge burns to ashes
and creating loss for those who are unfortunate

but what if every village has been blown,
no armies longs for victories,
no mother would give miracle,
does chaos finally yearns for... order?

in this absence of order in my life for so long,
do i finally yearn for order to take place?
will i, for once, create and nurture
instead of taking and destroying?

in this so little time that i have left,
i want order to take place,
in my life, in my head,
in my hands to create

do i long for order, because i found you?
do i long for order, because i see you?
do i long for order, because i want you?
do i long for you, to stop my chaos?

will you, after all this time.. heed my call and bring order once and for all?

if i could count my blessing, i'd count you twice.

my heart feels pink,
i have trouble breathing,
i don't understand why
because really, i shouldn't

music seems louder
the thrill was real
the euphoric episodes
its more than drugs

i could feel my heart beating,
my brain exploding
the thought of you
intoxicates me

your face, skin, head to toe.
your touch travel to my veins
in the most painfully beautiful way
you're in my system seducing me

i see color in darkness
my teeth grinding
you got my soul singing
wanting more

addicted.
and i'm finally addicted
to the smiles like in those pills
to the smile in my face

but i don't mind
even when the crash strikes
it was worth it
i guess you're what they call dangerous

and it made me want you more.

how?

the most purest smile
eyes like the ocean
sweet soft touch on the bare skin

she reads my goosebumps
like the blind read braille
every inch it trails

how
how
how

you ran away from nothing to begin with but i'm still sad

i want to dance with the devil
with the sounds from these walls
the sound of regrets, tears and fears
intoxicated with our own selfishness

we had nothing to lose
but we lost it anyways
we had nothing to wait
but grew tired of it anyways

we werent drunk enough
to made us want each other
we weren't looking for anything
but we missed it anyways

or

did we want each other enough
to made us drunk
to love me with no hesitation
and trust me without question