2017.

2017 was a hell of roller-coaster,
i had my ups and downs.
i owned a cat,
i lost the cat,
i own a dog,
i named her after a food,
breaking down,
being lost,
having panic attacks,
crying and isolating myself,
feeling happy,
i got found,
on my highs,
when i'm high,
being in a relationship,
getting out of a relationship,
being in one but you're not,
hiding,
fucking,
being alive,
being dead,
being almost literally dead.

i'm grateful with all that has happened, it was sure hell of a ride. i found what i love to do, my life is still a mess, but at least now i know what i want in life. i did the things i thought in a thousand years would never do. i found another part of myself that i was never aware of. it wasn't all rainbows but its all beautiful.
but no matter i loved it...
i think i'll have to skip the next ride.

happy new year!

show me your world, i got tired seeing mine

tell me how you have your gazed fixated over something
how'd you would just sit there and stare
and get lost despite all the things has happened

tell me how your laugh is contagious
how did you do that
with that sad eyes of yours

tell me why are you so warm
when you touched my face
with that cold personality of yours

tell me why are you so calming
with your words
and all the complex things you said

tell me howd you do it
how you are aware of everything
yet they're not about you

how do you keep yourself calm
with all of the chaos
happening right in front of your eyes

tell me what do you see
in this grey world
that you find colorful

i want to know.

smoke in my head

hey..
how do you tell 
if someone loves you? 
how do you tell them 
even when they said 
so it wouldnt go through my thick skull of insecurities? 

how do you tell them that 
i'm drowning in anxiousness 
and worries? 
how do you tell them 
that i'm suffocating with 
depression and i couldn't even breathe fine? 

how do you tell them that 
my head is constantly hearing 
ticks and tocks, self doubt and hate?
how do i reach out through all of these voices that echoes? 
i cant see myself anymore but can you? 

i can feel myself slowly dying. 
how do you apologize that 
if we met sooner i wouldn't be this fucked up 
and a mess in front of you? 

how do i tell you that i want you too?

2:22

x/x/1x

I like being alone,

Watching people pass by

Completely unaware of my existence

I like being alone, 

A time for myself

With books and tea; my only company

I like being alone, 

I can write wherever

The only reader is myself only

I like being alone,

The sound of nothing

But my fingers tapping the table

I like being alone,

I don’t have to care

Only me and my self

I like being alone,

I can only hurt myself

And not anyone else.

have yourself a very little christmas

its christmas, and it doesn't actually change much. i'm still the old me. there's nothing merry where i am, really, but maybe its just me being bitter. my chest still hurts and the sound in my head didn't go away. the only good thing is i finally accept that the voices are part of me after all this year. now i wont say much because i don't really have much to talk about, but i've been looking back and much has happened, all the bad things i'll leave behind and all the good things kept safe in my head.

lately, i've came into terms with my demons inside me, they've been behaving although at times they would go ape-shit on me. its fine, everything takes time. it will also take time to take the leash off of my neck. there will be bruises afterwards, but, time would heal the scars and the hole people left behind, and if it doesn't then its not the time yet. its a bad day, not a bad life i always said to myself.

but no matter what, my life is as dim as the lights tonight and in any second it would go off.
i should seek professional help, but at this point, telling whats inside my head to people would mean nothing. so this christmas i promised myself to write until i couldn't anymore. physically. when the day comes, no one should blame anyone, its just how things go.

its how i should go.

merry christmas, lads.

bundle of rants from places i am too ashamed to tell where i found it

if tonight i die

will you still smile to me like yesterday?

if tonight i die

will you re-assure me you'll be okay?

if tonight i die

will you hold my hand until its time to let go?

if i die tonight

i wont ask much for today

i just want you to know, i will be okay.

---

i need you to tell me that i am good
this manipulative and destructive skin
but deep down inside i'm good
help me999999999

---

you look like someone who would ruin my life 
and run me over with a truck over and over again
but i'd be fine with it

also,

you look like someone who could love me
nonetheless i'm a mess
and be fine with it.

lets stay alive.

---

the night was livelier than usual

but why do i

feel alone

why do i

have to hold back

the tears

why do i

have no reason

to cry

its nice to have something

to motivates and keeping me alive

but

the urge kept getting stronger

im sorry

---

the joy of living

keeps decreasing

you could hear

death teasing

there are days that im fine

where i feel normal like others

but in an instant

i could feel the sun no longer shine

as i'm typing i feel my head pounding

the image of dying comes close

offering painless paradise

leaving all hell behind

i wish people would take me seriously

i am growing tired on this silent battle

i feel so little

maybe when i'm gone, you'll understand i'm troubled

---

(i cut the first half because.)

love is not an olympic, its not a race. there's a start but hopefully no end.

love is also not about winning.

love is what makes you feel you, they would accept the part where we would be in our worst condition.

the best of me is the worst of me and vice versa. 

we wouldn't be the same as we once met. 

comfort grew and loving new side will follow too. 

love is love.

you are the good in life

have you ever noticed that people loves you when you're dead
but treat you like you're dead when you're alive?

have you ever noticed that people are dying in front of others
but they would say "nobody would ever see this coming"?

being dismissed, telling that its just an overreaction
the voices aren't there,
you're making things up,
and for me, being dead is another temptation.

head pounding, chest beating is a sign of distraction.
being told i'm not living my life to their expectation
when i'm here barely holding on.
i didn't ask for this, i'm sorry.


but not you,
you were the good in life.

the fresh air in this polluted life
the only thing that made sense
you are the good in life.

the only thing i look forward to
even if for an hour or two
you are the good in life.

hugs to made to calm
kisses made to get me out from this realm.

you made everything s little bit better in my bitter life,
you were there by my side,
you hated seeing me cry because it makes you sad,
you'd kiss the pain away and hug me in my sleep.
we'd snuck out like how a teen would,
we'd go on joyrides and exchange kisses,
you'd mutter how much you love me
in my breakdowns while i'm trembling and covered in tears.
even until today, you'd hug me tighter than before.
we'd be in the dark and i wont be afraid,
cause i know, you're there to be my light.

you are the good
in my life.