a bond made by clouds of cigarettes' smoke

burnt cigarettes, laughter after hours
who would've known, in this life of ours
we would meet in the most ungodly hours
laughing and having the most twisted humours

deep secrets, buried down under
making every people wonder
when we just smirk and get it over
and clink while we laugh a little harder

heart ache, souls that breaks
hurting for other people's sake
giving everything there is to take
knowing for sure nothing is fake

a bond, red strings tied
leaving behind anything who lied
walking side by side looking souls equally tired
sipping coffees till none of us gets exhausted

for a friend, not a slab of meat
let us rule till the world be at our feet
till our bodies beat
and till the death comes to greet

they say i should be thankful, and so i will be.

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you finally found sanctuary and knowing nothing will hurt you?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you stop worrying about what will come after this very moment?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you get dressed up in fancy clothes and sleeping in a comfy bed?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you easily stop thinking what you don't need to think about?

how do you tell that you're dead?
is it when you close your eyes and not fearing what will grab you in the dark?

and, when you're dead,
do you forget about everything when you were still breathing?

well, i guess i am pretty much alive  then.

sribbles on a piece of tissue

a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.

take a peek through the cracks of my walls to see what lies inside

"you know, i don't know what's worst. you crying alone or you're making his death as an excuse."

i hear a familiar voice echoes as i am washing my face.

"i know you, you can't lie. i've been watching you crying these past few nights. i didn't expect this night would be bloody."

i didn't even bother, i dried my face and looked for aspirins and first aid kit.

"it's inside the cupboard, you always put it there. incase something happens; something like this."

there was a long pause, none of us move from where we are.

"i'm guessing this will be a long night, huh? this will be fun." 

i stood there, looking sharply at the mirror.

"you should stop, you know? i'm just stating the obvious here. i don't want you to die"

i would shout, but i don't want to wake the neighbours.

i heard chuckles.

"aren't you tired? look at you, every night. you're a mess, scattered, train-wreck. heck! a wreck."

i clenched my fist, struggling in control.

"you were happy, you were--"

the voice stopped only for the sound of shattered mirror fills the room.
i cant control my tears from falling, let alone the blood dripping from my wrist and my fist.

i left the bathroom and immediately look for the aspirins.
i took the aspirin and closed my eyes.

both are to be swallowed and leave a bad taste in my mouth.


i guess i should've listen to myself more.

for a place so ugly, you made it lovely

the fact that earth is just another purgatory has never been the main reason for me not to like this place. it's just another reason for me to put on the list. earth and i was never in the same box to begin with, and for the longest time i can remember, i really want to leave this place. i love the idea of escaping this realm. truth is, i'm still here. throughout the year, my misfitted soul surely got the hang of it. but, a misfit will always be a misfit.

i was stuck in that idea, until of course, i met a girl.
before i continue, you probably should've guessed from the title above, yes? it is about a girl. now there, please don't get me wrong about this. i have met a lot of girls; tons of them if you want me to accumulate their weight. some as friends, some were my significant other, some were just never had a good ending. heck, some even ended up as empty hook-ups.

moving on, just like any other blog i've ever stumbled upon, they would write about poems, essays, rants and they write a post or two about someone they hold dear to. someone who has a special place somewhere deep inside them. thus, i dedicate this post for her; who i hold dear the most.

i am a bad writer to say the least; at least in the most conventional sense. i am sorry, you, please don't get your hopes up for a deep meaningful writing. then again, it's just me, ranting.

i will tell you about her, she's just like any other girls out there, she has her bad hair days, she does her make up, she dresses up, she sprays on her perfume, she has her breakdowns, she's your tumblr-esque girl; she's just like any other girl out there. but what she has and what any other girls out there doesn't have is her quirks. one of her idiosyncrasy was always having those peculiar quirks.

speaking about quirks. to be really frank, my dear friend. i would never understand her. i would never understand why she hates the sun, yet every morning she bathes in it. i would never understand how she hates unpleasant smell, yet every morning she would kiss me despite my morning breath. i would never understand when she said she doesn't understand love, yet she was the one who showed me everything that a book can't provide.

you see, i didn't understand the slightest bit of her actions, of her words, some left me questioning myself at night. for someone who claims to hate, she sure made the fun out of it. it is confusing, really. for she would never fit my logic. i claimed to hate this world and despise it nevertheless could never see how to make the full out of this.

until i saw her, amidst the radiating heat from the sun and cars spitting carbon dioxide; she smiled.
for the first time ever, i whispered to the sky above that and wished to stay a little bit longer in this place.

i stood with a hello amidst of thousand words, wondering where to begin.

ah yes, finally a blog. after years of losing a great amount of notes, endless warning on my phone due to the insufficient memories to save my writings and papers i scribbled on ended up nowhere to be near me. i had made to the point where i gave up on losing my writings and surrendered to the almighty internet. so, i decided to make a blog. and yes, like any other people in this platform would do: they do a self-introduction.

now now, don't take me the wrong way. i had a blog before; long before i made this one. yes, i was once too, a millennial kid. hence, i think i have a pretty clear grasp of how things works here. i would love to tell what was my previous blog about, and why did i deactivate it in the first place, but, it would take a whole space to explain why did i do such immature action. so, every time someone asked what happened to my blog, i'd gave them a nonchalant reply that "my lump of fur ball ate it."

long story short - to reduce the nonsense i will spit in this blog. this lovely platform that you are accessing will be filled with my thoughts about everything and anything. let that be scribbles, poems, rants, essays, you name it. you have been warned in advance, dear you. i salute you who has the guts and patience to cope up with even lord doesn't know what horrific writings will i write here.

so i will end this introduction with:

HELLO.