realising.

for i have never learn.

onomatopoeia - things that i can't send

Hi there.

I actually don’t know what to write, but I just want to write to you. Sadly, I don’t have the guts to send it to you. But maybe, just maybe, one day I will have the guts and show it to you. I don’t even know if my last email reached to you, but I hope it did. Maybe its me missing you or me regretting things that had passed, maybe its me losing the light of my life, maybe its me too in love and stupid, maybe i regret so deeply i hurt you, maybe all of those reasons. Who the fuck knows. It has been a couple of days since that day happened. These few days I’ve been a hermit, shutting myself down, getting things sorted out. You know? Thinking about the next step in my life? Where to step next and where to aim next. Things like that goes into my head every time. 

Truth be told.. its not sorting out. Nothing is, nothing will. I’m still a hell of a gigantic mess for fuck sake, I don’t know what to do, I have no clue of what to do in life. Its like a big chunk of my operating system being plugged out and I’m slowly shutting down. I know you're my main support system and I just have to ruin it all. This kid is a good for nothing junkie who ruins everything. Tried telling myself that because it has only been days. But again, I don’t think I’ll ever sort my life out ever. I’m a good for nothing prick who just don’t know what to do in life. Who am I trying to fool? 21 years of my life, it start to go in a certain direction after I met you. Do I seem exaggerating? I hope not. 

I decided to write this because it feels like I'm talking to you. I must be out of my mind that I'm playing pretend with myself! pretending you’re reading this and laugh because I’m an utter idiot for doing this. When in reality I’m all alone and its just me and the sound that your laptop makes when it types - you know, the thing that goes tick tack? That tick-tack sound... I know whats it called now. Its called Onomatopoeia, the imitation of sounds. We had that conversation in the car where I asked you whats it called but it kind of slipped both of our heads. I mean its fine, it was morning anyways and we didn’t slept.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I read the whole article about it. 

When I was reading through the examples, I saw “bloop”, “swish”, “boop”, etc., and without me knowing it, I found myself doing those sounds and the image of you pops up. Doing the twirl, nose-picking, those stuff that makes sounds, y'know? I smiled a bit, it all came naturally like you were doing it in front of me. I can hear it clearly. It was wonderful actually, and it kept going on how you would sound in my head when you do your things and it made me miss you more. Thought I was kinda deaf, maybe I wasn't hearing on the right place.

Drips goes the water from your hair to your back, thud when you bumped on drawers, badunk when you fell down the slippery stairs, clink when you pour your alcohol, swoosh when you ran and fwoosh when you snored. Those are a few I could mention. I mean, yeah I associate people with places or maybe the food, drinks, songs, you name it whatever there is - well, I dont, maybe a few. But never in my head I would know someone would sound like, or how you sounded like and actually memorising it. I guess you held my heart pretty tight. 

Its stupid but at least I’m imagining you listening to my rants calms me. I might turn crazy at one point or maybe I am now or have I always been? Look at me, I’m pretending to have a conversation with you in this writing. Not a day passed without me wanting to say sorry or make things up. But I have to be happy with what I have now. I might write more to you(or maybe the thought of you pretending to be present) I miss you.

I hope you’re doing well.

I love you always.