i guess this is goodbye.

hi, or goodbye from the title.

a little bit of myself, i was diagnosed with bipolar. the medicines are still on trial, well everything is. its gotten worse since day one as it consumed almost everything from my life. i decided to stop writing here since staring at a blank computer page isn't good for my eyes - or maybe not as often. hey, who knows? i made myself a journal to keep track of everything from the beginning till the end. i honestly don't know how to handle myself and each night waking up is just waking up from another nightmare to another nightmare.

waking up realising i can continue to an eternal sleep haunts me every time i opened my eyes. i swear to anyone who is up there, i want everything back. but no matter how loud i shout, racing with the thunders, they kept their mouth shut. i guess, i am not worthy to look. i'm trying my best to be on my medication but it just doesn't help. at times, i can walk freely but instantly fall down to the thought of how long this'll last. being happy is not my forte. writing, scribbles on notes is.

notes, yes. its a very poorly made since i don't have any and i just gotta wing it with whats there. to anyone who reads this, a little bit of my soul is there. a bit of the infamous misadventure of myself is there. i am not the type who cares to leave marks here, but its there for anyone to find, if in the end i lost myself. but i'm trying with my might for the better. progressing and fighting is what i do best. picking fights with the universe is my hobby. and here i am standing saying to you "come at me".


a good day and a goodbye from me.

six and threes at six threes

now she's out of the picture, i can breathe at ease.
selfish? yes.
does it hurt? a lot.
will i regret this? maybe,
one day.
but i guess its for the best.

to be honest, lately, i don't remember when, but i've been thinking about myself, about my future.
looking it at every possible perspective, there's no light. it's all dark. i rather walk alone to the chaos that longed me. i will walk that path eventually.

i can't possibly take anyone with me into the inevitable chaos that has chained on to me the minute i stepped into this world. right now, i can walk alone once again. it was nice, it was beautiful. the more i spent my time with her, the more i'm dragging her to the dark, dark abyss.

i can't take her.
if i have to go down, at least i'm going alone,
i won't drag her.

i know if i kept continue, no matter how much i want it, not matter how much i love it, i know i can't. people will say i'm stupid. i am if i continue, i am if i bring her too, i am if i smudge over the white paper that was meant for her to write herself.

i guess what will last is my worn blue jeans,
the hole that never cease to close,
the days i had full of you,
the constant terrifying voices,
intensifying feeling by absence,
but not me, i'm done and will walk alone to the unknown.

i don't know, but this is how i'm repaying what you did to me.
i will not drag you down,
it hurts and all i can do is be alone,
all the things we could've known,
take it, its not for this clown.

.

you know, i prayed today,

i was mad.
i said to whoever was out there, that they're pulling a sick joke on me.
they were the ones who gave me you, they're also the one taking you away.

i was mad,
because for once i cared about my future and how terrified i was.
how incompetent i'll be, how i wont live up to any expectations.

i was mad,
because now, i'm shouting like how the storms are rolling at the empty ceiling.
because i can't be with who i want to be.

i was mad,
because i have a will to live and that scares me.
thinking what will happen if one day its gone?

i was mad,
because i am me, a sick bastard who doesn't deserve love.
yet i fell really hard this time.

i was mad,
because i know once your name came out from my lips,
they'll take you away.

i was mad,
because i did anyways in the end, because i don't know who to seek
so i did it anyways.

i was mad,
because i prayed again, seeking for help, reaching out again.
hoping, maybe, it'll be different than any other prayers because her name was in it.

i was mad,
because i'm right, praying your name, chanting them most of the nights,
they know, and they'll take you away in the most sick way possible.

i am mad,
because in the end, i can't make you happy and i know i have to pack and leave.
thinking its the best possible way to see you have a bright future without me.

i am mad,
because i'm too in love to function,
and realising i'll be a burden for her.

i am mad,
why did you have to love me back?
it hurts to do this.

--

i am close to giving up, i guess i am that coward after all.
it will be painful to do so, pushing people away.
pushing your loved ones; pushing you.

i am sorry, if you ever read this,
it'll be a countdown from now.
it keeps calling me.

i am sorry, i cant tell you.
it'll be to much of a hassle.
cause i know you'll fight back.

i am sorry, i couldn't keep you.
i don't want you to suffer.
i can't control it.

i am sorry, if i yelled.
i know you don't like it.
but its a step for you to have a future.

i am sorry, i'm distancing myself.
it hurts seeing you being cute.
i can't stop myself if i proceed.

i am sorry, i kept my mouth shut.
i want you to hate me.
its hard not to say your name every night.

i am sorry.

something stupid.

i've been fuzzing about the smallest things these past few days, over the stupidest things, like today. i thought i was over with anything thats been piling up. after the old piles has been lifted, new things are piling up and yet, i still don't know how to get it out. everyone is busy with their own things and i guess i have to keep this by myself - i did it once, doing it again wouldn't hurt. for these past few weeks a lot has happened, i cried, opened up to people, they told me that its okay to feel and pointing out whats wrong. figuring out about emotions and feelings, those abstract things i failed to understand. i'm still with my baby steps of learning all of this, it might take awhile. i wish it was as easy like how they easily say it. i still catch myself all tied up in the throat talking about stuff. its like, it just don't want to come out, it rather stay in, it rather not cause any scene, obscure from anything out there. again, its consuming me. what makes it different, this time is slower than before, i can feel it creeping and consuming me alive while i'm here, standing and cannot do anything. the medicines are working fine, i'm calmer and much more in control. but medicines are medicines, they're chemical built to fix the things i'm lacking of inside, it doesn't fix me as a person.

i wish i was okay, i want a day, an hour, a minute, to feel fine, to be normal! i want my head to be quite and have whatever i have to myself while it last. we can't have all what we want in life can we? again, i managed to just write it down somewhere. here, or my notes or anywhere really. the walls near my bed isn't safe anymore since i'm starting to write there and bet you people wont be happy seeing those writings. right now, i don't actually know whats my purpose of writing this. its not that when i write this people will get it and be nicer - they won't. i'm writing this just to feel better, to put my jumbled thoughts into one page, to make sense. i'm writing this so i know, i'm not insane yet and i still can feel.

all and all, even though i didn't manage to talk about everything trough with anyone, i learned to channel anything thats not good with exercising. lifting dumbbells, a few punches and i'm good to go. though, i'm not quite sure how long it will last. overall, i'm way better than before, but still not quite there yet. i'm trying to, not for me, but for those who wants me to. though, yesterday i got pretty bummed out and i don't think that it would effect me for days, but hey i'll survive. after all, a kid would just get over it in a couple of days, knowing he can't get what he wants. they're right, i'm still a kid inside.


goodnight.