some slumbers are meant to be, to save everyone.

the story about two wolves is that in the end, the one who wins is the one that kept being fed. the same thing that is happening in my head, its a constant battle between two thoughts that has a mind of its own and its up to me to feed it. twist is, i don't know which one is which. i fed them according to my needs, not knowing whats good and whats not. its funny to think of it, when its your own body, but you're feeding something else to be alive. i want both of them to die along with me, so not even me can hurt anyone else. everybody is happy, they wont miss me that much too i presume.

i wish i don't have to fight even inside my head for once, i wish i don't have to restrain myself to take pills or smoke an L just to make things better. i don't like being confronted, whether i'm right or wrong, i just hate the idea of being cornered, i wish people would understand that. to teach someone who doesn't understand emotion is not to shove them what emotions are, it would make them more confused than they already are. i wish i have a better solution, but i don't have any. all i know, it won't work for people like me.

i am mental and i'm accepting the fact that i am one. growing up in the mediocre and a bit confusing family that i have, i was told not to cry, crying is weak and it wont solve any problem. my head is much of a guy than it should've been. i won't blame them, but this is who i am now. i don't know how emotions work, i cannot work in an abstract sequential thinking style, i understand things that works systematically despite how i am such a mess. i keep telling everyone that my head is really crowded, my head is too loud but they would just tell me to shush them out, i wish it would be that easy. i wish its that easy that everyone in this world doesn't need pills to make them shut.

i constantly feel that bad things will happen, yes people will say "its all in your head." exactly why its terrifying, i'm dying inside my head. its terrifying that i can do such things and forget about it the minute after, i know its not me, i know when i leash out, its not me, its not my doing. people will think its all baloney and its all shit. at least, on this platform i can write anything without being told off that its not true. at least here, i know how i can have a grasp of how i feel.

to put it simple on whats going on in my head is like when you're talking on the phone yet your parents are talking to you also, its irritating. it makes me constantly mad. there are times it calms down, thats when i took the pills, when i used to smoke some doobs, and also being close with someone i love. it feels everything calmed down, the talking, shouting, ticks and bangs in my head it all disappeared. but i know i can't have that forever, so i have to live with this.

the irrational fear that haunts and taunts me is like when you feel like you're going to get robbed, but you know you locked the door and checked it for a thousand times, its that irrational. its like, when you don't put the right shoe on first, you'll trip and you'll break your leg, its that irrational. its like, you had a piece of candy and you fear that it'll stop your heart beat because of the sugar rush, its that irrational. even though it doesn't make sense, i still bite my lips, crossing my fingers and pray that it won't happen even though i know it won't. it consumes you alive.

i don't really know what i need right now. complete isolation? prescribed drugs? finding religion? i really don't know. the monster i kept inside is urging to come out when i kept them there for a reason. for this not to happen. i guess i'm not made for human interaction, i'm not made for emotions, i wasn't supposed to be here in the first place, its all a mistake. but i can't lie, i wished now, is to be able to fit in and to be cured from anything thats consuming me right now for good. i just want to be able to feel, to be able to cry for an hour, a shoulder to borrow, even just for an hour.

a little bit of this insignificant being, you'll find a whole piece.

i tend to forget things, be it an important date or as simple as names. i have this fear that one day i'll forget about things, i'll forget who i loved, maybe one day i'll forget about who i am. its not a decent thought to think about. so i tried writing which i usually write it in a piece of paper and ended up mixed with my snots, i had a notepad which i have no idea how to read it anymore. then i tried having a blog (again) but i have this fear too that people will see it and judge me for who iam, and of course as millennial as i could possibly be; i have an instagram - two to say the least, one for my friend and one just for me to rant. i tried every platform to leave my mark.

so, this post is to sum up what i can save from my writing and  a peak from my instagram account.
this is not your usual rant, its just me, wanting to remember.

my instagram consist my rants about how i feel, my favourite things in any kinds of form, poems of sort, and a bit about myself. of course as you can see, those are my tattoos; complete with their meanings for me on the caption so i wont forget.

few of my writings that survived my recklessness. consist of dark, gloomy, self pity kind of writings. i tried just to calm myself down as i write, but often times, i'm more lost than before.

wanting the unwanted

i was born in a really dysfunctional family, run by pride, powered by shame for parting. since i was really young, both were never there and i grew up without any role models to look up to. one slumbers in the morning, and one was absent due to work. i grew up just because i was born. they have been preaching about love but never actually set an example for me, for their only child.

i grew up not in their loving hands but instead inside this empty room.
i grew up not with sing alongs but instead mockery and cries every night.
i grew up not with family vacations but instead kidnapping and abduction.
i grew up not with them but only by myself and any maid at the moment.

growing up, i just know that i have to call them mom and dad, but i didn't know what it meant. i used to have sleep overs at my cousin's house. i saw them every night sitting in their dining room to eat and have a family time. subconsciously, i was jealous because i could never have that. so there i was, growing up as a stray child who happens to have a home.

i would often have a fight with them, cursing them to die since they do nothing but a burden. i'm not even sorry for saying so. i've lost count on how many times i wished for them to die or i how i never see them as my parents since they were never from me. i've ran away so many times just to hear the same lies; we're sorry.

they would at times forget about my birthday and i grew up to accept that fact. also, they would fight because of me, for being the failure i am. the neglected child who they're ashamed for having is now depressed and been repressing since they wouldn't believe me for being so. they would see me as this thing and my surroundings caused me this. it was mainly because of them.

"its your fault now your kid is like this!"
"this kid is troubled, can't you see?"
"now what can we do with this mess?"
those are the words they would throw. they didn't realise they were screaming and i'm just a room away.

a certain point i ran away from all of this and did drugs, both chemical and organic. i took pills and smoked in my room to ease the pain and forget about everything. those were the things that calmed me. inanimate objects wins against the living and who gave birth. i have no friends and my lover is away. now i'm alone again in this room.

yes, it hurts.
at times it stings to hear those words.
why wouldn't you accept the mess you bring and be responsible?
why wouldn't you stop and listen how i'm turning insane?
why wouldn't you want me?
why wouldn't anyone wants me and put me as a trophy for once?

why wouldn't you want the unwanted?