a late night thought

i am writing this in hope that she would not or never read this. stupid, i know, since i knew she knows this blog of mine. but my phone won't let me save this in my notes due to insufficient memories and i don't have any piece of paper to scribble on. so, i grabbed her laptop, and start to write here instead. don't worry, she's fast asleep - if you're wondering. anyways, aside from that, i am running out of ideas about what i'm going to post here due to the fact i promised myself i wont abandoned this blog like i did to the previous one. so, hey, why not this one? i hope you don't mind for most of posts here are me ranting.

it has indeed, been a long night for us both today. we were both tired for north to south is not that close. yet, i'm here, wide awake. i guess my thoughts kept me awake, but it's okay, i don't mind. it happens often. well, to be really fair, my head was silent for these past months. no voices telling me what to do, no anything. i usually hear the sound of the air-conditioner or the fajr prayer fills the air making my way to sleep. but, this night, it's not just air-conditioner nor the fajr prayer. it's my head, being so loud. so loud it beats my own mouth can scream.

doesn't matter what's inside my head or about the voices that come and goes every now and then, i'm not going to write about that now. in the near future, maybe? instead, i'll tell you what triggered it. what's the cause of the ruckus inside my head. as i mentioned before above that i don't want her to read this, yes? if you didn't know, i'm talking about my better-half. clearly, who else? i don't want her to feel bad. it's okay, we're not having a big fight or anything, in fact, we've been more than great. it's clearly my fault for i am just being me.

we've been in the same country, same city, same region, under the same roof, same bed, under the same blanket for as long as i can remember. just like a time bomb, our clock is ticking. soon it won't be her bolster or her shark doll be in the middle of us, but, oceans. soon it won't be good mornings, but, our disorientated sense of time for we won't see the moon at the same time. i won't be seeing her and smell her nice perfume every time you get ready to leave the house or she's just in the mood to spray it.

you see, i've been secretly counting the days where we both be off to where our eyes can't meet and our skins can't touch. please, i beg not to think ill of me. i am not waiting or the slightest bit excited for that day to come; more to - i'm preparing myself not to miss her as much. days are getting shorter, the sun is setting, i am still in square one; broken as always. i am happy, of course, for myself and her. we both get to continue what we postponed before; college. i'll be a bachelor of political science, and she'll have hers.

i'll tell you, i'm guessing the first-three weeks will be hell for her, or maybe for me. i'll have to catch up with everything and everyone, and she has her own schedule i presume. having new apartments and dealing with papers is tough work after all. i won't lie, what i'm typing now is an utter crap. i'm sorry i've wasted your time. to be honest, i've been asking myself, is it the idea of us being separated by ocean, and by timezones or is it something else? as much as i want to tell it here, i'll guess i'll keep this one for myself. for all i know, i am in love with her and as long i know she feels the same, we'll be close for how far distance we'll face.

but for the time being, i just want her as close as she can be.
just like now she's holding me close in her sleep.
for someone who claims to hate hugging while sleeping, she sure is a professional.